It's Friday

Just when I thought I could not support our troops any more...



The solo dance at 1:07 reminds me of Mark Madsen. Well done gentlemen.

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Sometimes You Forget: GUTS

Nickelodeon was a refuge for many adolescents such as myself in the early 1990s. The network produced outstanding programming during that era: Pete and Pete, Salute your Shorts, Ren and Stimpy, and many more. While some of its shows had athletic themes to it, the creation of GUTS in 1992 was the first Nick show centered around athletic competition. Double Dare had physical challenges but was more about trivia and making a mess (neither of which is a bad thing), Finders Keepers was not phyisically demanding enough, Nick Arcade was more about video games and mastering a green screen and Legends of the Hidden Temple was athletically challenging but also included a history lesson from a large caricature of an Aztec statue.

GUTS was based on the premise that you could take awkward young teens and make them perform athletic stunts that were awesome in theory yet rarely rewarded the viewer with the artful display of biomechanics. Still many impressionable young minds tuned in and dreamed of having a chance to compete in the Extreme Arena and take home a glowing piece of the Aggro Crag.

Mike and Mo

The host was Mike O'Malley. His Wikipedia page lets you know he is of Irish decent. If you needed further confirmation on that his kids' names are Fiona, Seamus, and Declan. It also states that this was O'Malley's first big break into television. After GUTS he had his spot as "The Rick", a hapless Boston sports enthusiast. Unfortunately I could not find the classic "They're not dolls, they're figurines" spot. Bear in mind this was the late 1990s, when Boston had no attained the level of annoying unbearable persona that enjoy now. Up until this point, they were hokey annoying fans that had teams that they claimed never won anything, even though their teams had enjoyed success in the past. Speaking of late 90s ESPN cartoons involving Boston, how great was the Cam Neely spot for when ESPN News first came out.



O'Malley did the job well as host, injecting enthusiasm and doing his best to create drama within the events. At some points his narration of the action in the arena rose to Gus Johnsonsian levels. Mike never broke character, even when a kid failed horribly, he never put the kid down or gave an indication to the audience that it was a pathetic display of non-athleticism. It's amazing considering his work after GUTS was almost all based on his low-key sarcastic humor. He had his longest run in the sitcom Yes,Dear which I have never seen. Lately I see him in commercials for Time-Warner Cable. His character in the commercials resemble what the Rick would be like if he grew up, got married, and moved out of his small apartment.

Next we have the indelible Moira Quirk. Affectionately(?) known as "Mo", she was co-host and "official" for the show. I put official in quotations because she really did not do any officiating for the show. The only thing that remotely made her resemble an official was the striped shirt she donned faithfully each episode. She did not rule on any of the events, just a conduit of information. While O'Malley used the standard hand-held microphone Mo was on the cutting edge of technology, utilizing the Madonna-style head microphone. I'm guessing that Mo was hired more for her voice than anything, not that she was hard on the eyes. If you look at her work, it is mostly her voice being used. She did some other projects for Nick but aside from her voice acting, GUTS was her time to shine on TV. Now many people are fans of Mo and I have nothing against her, but he place on the show was rather superfluous. When a game began Mike, who was perfectly capable of explaining a game would "toss if over to Mo for the rules!" at which time she would explain the game. After O'Malley finished doing commentary on the event it was "let's get the official results from Mo!". I never understood why they tried to make her an "official" instead of just a regular co-host. She was probably not the first but definitely not the last in a long line of female commentators inserted into game shows to gender balance the field. A Moira tribute can be seen here, and damned if I don't sense some sexual tension between Mo and Mike.

The Game

The show existed during the genesis of "extreme" sports in America. The country suddenly thought they had a notion that the old roll the ball out there sports were not enough. It had to be "to the extreme!" like Poochy used to say. Basketball is not good enough, let's attach a bungee! Swimming in a pool is not crazy enough, here's a paddle and a raft! Try running on this track...sideways in the air!!! Almost every event involved hanging from a bungee and jumping off a platform.

This line of thinking led to many of the neon fashion crazes of the 90s, Dan Cortese and surfer talk becoming popular. In the next step of this evolution MTV's Sandblast(Summer Sanders, mmmmm) took what GUTS did and MTV'd it and used older, college age kids. The show came to being a few years after American Gladiators and was crafted in that form, but of course without the brute force. The results were somewhat more desirable and now in present day we have Survivor, Road Rules/Real World Challenge, and Wipeout. The problem again with GUTS was that these were awkward teens who were usually all elbows and knees working on bungee apparatuses that only made them more gangly and austistic-spider like. Once in awhile there would be a kid who was just naturally athletically gifted, and when that happened it was over. The other competitors looked like ostriches with sprained ankles while the good kid breezed through the competition and made the games look silly.



The Competitors

An interesting factor guys and girls competed together. A friend of mine once referred to that as purpling, because of the mixing of blue(boys) and red(girls). Oddly enough the 3 colors for the contenders were blue(really teal, remember this was the 90s!), red and purple. Since girls mature physically faster than boys (it's science!), some of the time the girls did win. In fact, some of the more dominating performances came from the girls side and when it did, you could see the humiliation and the expectation of the taunting to come by the male counterparts.

The best part of the hokey nature of the show were the "Spill your guts" segments. Each competitor would give themselves a nickname. Now for me this would be the toughest part of the show. Do I go with an alliterative animal in relation to my name? A generic use of the words awesome, crush, radical, or power? O'Malley would dutifully refer to each player as their nickname throughout the show. At first, the profile would just list the player's age, hobbies, and nickname but after awhile it became a short video segment filled with early TV production value. Slow motion chops and great voice overs while the contestant performed a physical activity on camera. The international kids did it even better, because of the accents. All it was missing was a few star wipes.

GUTS goes Global

After awhile on the air, Nick must have decided the show was growing stale. They then unveiled a Global GUTS competition which pitted kids from 8* countries against each other in GUTS competition. Perhaps they were trying to catch the wave of the coming Atlanta Olympics. In a horrible home-field display, the United State finished 3rd in the medal count, behind Mexico and the winner United Kingdom. That's right, we let those limey bastards come across the pond and take the glowing piece of the rock away from us. They had 8 golds overall. The finish to each episode contestants were put on the podium like they always were but in Global had the winning national anthem played.


*one country was the Commonwealth of Independent States and included Russia, Ukraine, Georgia, and Kazakhstan(very nice..). Just like communism though, they failed and finished last. They did not even land a single gold medal.

The Aggro Crag

At the conclusion of each episode, the contestants had to tackle the Aggro Crag. The Crag was basically a fabricated mountain that contained a winding path to a flag of your color at the top. During your trek you had to hit 6 "actuators" before you could hit the final one at the top, all the while dealing with snow(falling glitter), nuclear flying crystals(yes, really, in the form of confetti), avalanches(paper mache rocks), and lighting(flashing studio lights). Some conquered the task easily while others got lost in the mayhem. Players could get eliminated for a wide variety of reasons and sometimes did. The good thing was that if you had a sizeable lead there was no way you could lose as long as you finished, which was not always the case in American Gladiators if the reverse treadmill or handbike ate you up.


After a few seasons the Crag became known as the Mega Crag and in Global GUTS it was the Super Aggro Crag. I can just see the meeting room for that one:

"So what should we name the Crag now?"
"We have to go beyond Mega Crag."
"A tough task to be sure, we really have to make the Aggro Crag stand out, what do you think Chad?"
"Umm, Super Aggro Crag?"
"By golly that's it, give yourself a raise!"
"Sweet, more coin for O-town hookers and blow!"

/high fives

The other unique feature for the winner is that you would not just get a gold medal, but a glowing piece of the rock as well. This rock always intrigued me and was my main motivation for the desire to compete on the show. What was it made of? It couldn't be that heavy because the winners could hoist it over their heads. What made it glow? What was the shelf life of the glow? If I ever meet someone who has a piece of the Crag I would bow down to them and buy them a shot.

Well Known Contestants

Some famous stars got their start in Extreme Arena, the most notable of which may be A.J. McLean of the Backstreet Boys. His nickname was A.J. "Mean" McLean. Quite crafty my young lad, however young AJ was no match for Jamie "The Jackal" Mendelsohn. That's right, A.J. lost to a girl. This might explain his alcohol and drug addiction later in life. Just kidding A.J., you were always our favorite Backstreet Boy.



Other notables include a stuntwoman named Anna Mercedes Morris, who I have never heard of but she was born in Charlotte and is America Ferrera's stunt double in Ugly Betty. She used the nickname "Roadrunner" and also won the show, beating out a guy who despite his ultimate humiliation had a sweet nickname: Paul "Running Man" Battson. What happened to Buzzsaw? He had to split.

Actor Mike Vogel of Poseidon, Cloverfield, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants fame came in second in his run. His nickname was "Flea". I wonder if it was a tribute to the bassist.

Houston Dynamo(it's an MLS team[MLS is Major League Soccer]) defender Bobby Boswell competed as "Lightning" and also finished second...against two girls. Clearly the girls who went on this show were not messing around.

Now for the interesting one. Ashley Drane, an actress won the silver in her episode. She nicknamed herself "The Face", and I have no earthly idea why. She has had small roles in a bunch of different flim-flam, but the real eye-opener is that she is married to...David Eckstein, 2006 World Series MVP and current San Diego Padre. I guess you could say Eckstein got her "in the face"(/shows self out).

Legacy

GUTS had a revival in 2008 with a family version hosted by Ben Lyons. It was a tournament format and they redid the Crag like American Gladiators where your lead in points gave you a timed head start.

A SNES GUTS video game was created.

Especially with the ability to look back on GUTS now, the show was hardly a paragon of athletic achievement, but it captured the attention of many young kids of the 90s who dreamed of glory in Extreme Arena. That was what Nickelodeon was successful at during this era; it took ideas and concepts that young people aspired to and presented them in a healthy and intriguing manner. Though I never was fortunate enough to race up the Aggro Crag, I would like to think I could answer the question posed at the start and close of each show. Do I have them and by them meaning guts? I believe I do, I believe I do.

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The Mayor Has A New Post

One of the most popular players in Cyclone history is taking the helm in Ames. "The Mayor" Fred Hoiberg is going be named the new head coach at Iowa State, for the paltry sum of $800,000 a year. Hoiberg got his nickname for receiving write-in votes for the mayoral race in Ames during his time at Iowa State. This hire is just another item that makes me feel old as hell. I remember vividly Hoiberg's career at ISU and his time in the NBA and now he is coaching Iowa State and all this after having a front office postion with the T-Wolves. We can only assume our resident Iowa State alum Walter Peck is frothing with excitement. Hopefully, Hoiberg's tenure has a better conclusion than the reign of Mayor McCheese.



Hoiberg to be next ISU coach [GoCyclones]

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Deer Becomes The Hunter

Michael Vronsky may want to avoid the greater Milwaukee area at the present time. This video is a great attempt by the Bucks PR department at instilling the virtues of their "Fear the Dear" campaign (I think Feer the Deer would be better, remember mispelling adds edge!). The wide array of carnage and humiliation brought upon Hawk fans is impressive; cake to face, turned over porta-jon, tackle at water cooler and even punch into the river. The Bucks have been a surprise team all year long, but when their center Andrew Bogut suffered a horrific injury to his arm many thought the series with the Hawks would be over quickly. The Bucks even dropped the first two in Atlanta, but have battled back to make it a series. While Scott Brooks has done a great job in OKC, Scott Skiles is squeezing all the juice out of this team. Brandon Jennings, Carlos Delfino, and John Salmons stepped up their games the last two contests and amazingly the Bucks got to the line more at home than in Atlanta. Game 5 is tonight from Atlanta and while neither of these teams are expected to get past the Magic, they could give them a damn good fight.

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Dan and Joe

Just remember the grades being given to your team's draft picks are being done by the same guys who guessed wrong on who most of those picks would be.

via KSK

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It's Friday: Special EPA Edition

While I pontificated earlier on my first-round thoughts from last night, we have a very special blog recap from our resident government agent Walter Peck, EPA 3rd district. Since yesterday was Earth Day, I figured it would be appropriate to get the perspective from such a respected bureaucrat. Walter is our not so mild mannered official who give his thoughts on everything from cancer, Erin Andrews in the desert, to Tebow's celebratory posse. If you are offended by cursing in print form, incorrect guesses, and discriminatory statements made towards religions, races, ethnicities, or sexual orientation then please do not read on. Otherwise, enjoy the fun while dickless here shuts off our blog powergrid for the week.

The EPA's live psuedo-blog on the NFL Draft...

7:28: Watching the intro I think to myself, this is thee most over hyped bunch of shit I have ever seen. And why the hell is Suh shirtless in his segment of the intro.

7:35: No mention by Berman of the RAAAAIIIIIDERS yet. At least that is a positive sign. And my God how phony is Gruden in fromt of the cameras. Never trust a ginger, that's what my mom always says.

7:37: My God, Sam Bradford's phone is gay looking. And I know that the Rams missed on their picks the last few drafts when it comes to getting a QB (i.e. missing Matt Ryan, Flacco, Sanchez to a lesser extent) but I just want to give them a pre-grats on picking Alex Smith #2.

7:49: WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!

8:27: Did Gruden just say the Raiders have a good roster with a solid nucleus. What a fucking pussy. Try telling the truth for a change you fraud. Rolando McClain!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

8:31: CJ Spiller for the Bills. Way to pick an even shittier version of Reggie Bush. And Reggie Bush is shitty.

8:50: The Chargers trade up for a RB that would have been there in the end of the 1st round. And that's why the Chargers will never win a championship.

8:53: Ahhh, the chants of Eagles Suck. Kevin Kolb doesn't suck... he's... he's... ah shit he sucks like the cancer that sucked away Jim Johnson's life. Too soon?

9:21: I just took a leak and that has been the most exciting thing to happen so far this evening. If memory serves, Erin Andrews is at Clausen's house. Do you think she decided not to blow him once he fell out of the top 10? Not a big enough signing bonus now to warrant the gravy facial.

8:57: Brandon Graham's house responds in typical black people at the movies way. What was with the 2 jews in the background? They're too young to be agents.

9:05: Random guess that Earl Thomas goes to the Steelers at 18. There secondary was really exposed last year when Hair Polamalu was out for 11 games. Nevermind Seahawks got him.

9:34: The line at the bottom of the screen claims Rex Grossman was a key loss for the Texans. Seriously, how much did that guy get paid by Grossman to type that. And as an Iowa Hawkeye hater I laugh that Baluga is still on the board.

9:39: It's Erin Andrews!!!! Look at that dick sucking lip gloss and Hooker hoop ear rings. I can just picture Clausen with his pants around his ankles with his hands up like - OMG it's Jesus Tebow. His posse looks like a reject Jersey shore group (Christian style).

9:43: My last prediction. Denver doesn't learn and picks Dez Bryant to replace Marshall. I would finish up the round but this is so boring I am gonna go do something productive like play Modern Warfare 2.

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First Round Thoughts: Jags Will Rue The Day

When the NFL announced the switch to primetime for the draft many cried foul. They wanted their lazy Saturday afternoon. Fair enough, but those who are interested enough to watch the draft still did. The league knows it is king, and when it makes moves like this it is because it knows people will watch. I realized watching the first round that now that I live in the state of New York I could have gone to the draft if I really wanted to. I just mean it was feasible. However, being surrounded by Giant and Jet fans that are drunk on overpriced drinks did not interest me. Also, the "Empire State of Mind" song needs to die a horrible death. Here is what stood out to me.

St. Louis: Sam Bradford

I do not like this pick at all. When the Rams used most of their clock time before making the pick just to keep people talking about them you know things are bad in St. Louis. They need a QB, but can Bradford fill that role? I don't think so, at least not right away. Bradford is going to be stepping right into a situation I don't think he is ready for. He is going to get somewhere around $50 million guaranteed. I hope he invests it, because I think his experience will lead to a not so lucrative contract when this one expires. Matt Stafford, who most people see as a first year starter, even had a few games to sit and watch before he got in there. With his shoulder as a question mark and his snaps from under center in college numbering few if any, this was a tremendous risk. Sure he is athletic and has a good build, but so did Kyle Boller.

One of the talking heads reported that the organization was entirely behind this move. I don't buy it. I don't buy that Steve Spagnuolo, the man who out Belichicked Belichick in Super Bowl 42, was fully behind this move. Suh was sitting there and could have made the Rams line a force to be reckon with. He can say anything he wants to the papers, I refuse to believe Spags was happy with this turn of events.

Detroit: Ndamukong Suh, Jahvid Best

The Lions had become a draft punchline second only to the Raiders during Matt Millen's time. If the play of Stafford and the enthusiasm of Jim Schwartz going after free agents was not enough to instill some hope to Lion fans, their first round should. I have every confidence that Suh will be a difference maker on the line, and Best got a lot of teams shying away because of the concussion. Best will be a great change of pace back and he will not be required to carry the full load like he did at Cal.

Seattle: Russell Okung, Earl Thomas

The surprise for the Seabirds is two-fold; people can't believe both of these players fell to them and that Carroll did not do anything crazy. I still remain skeptical about what Pete can do on the field but so far so good.

Jacksonville: Tyson Alualu

When the moving fans pack up the last of the franchise's belongings and leaves Duval County for good, it will all come back to this moment. Jack Del Rio is a good coach, he has gotten the Jags to the playoffs multiple times and last year lead them to a 7-9 record when not much was expected of them. It does not matter. You are not going to fill up the phonebox unless the team is really good, or there is some kind of angle. Like a guy who could run for lord and dictator of the state of Florida and win by a landslide coming to play for your team. This morning there might be more Bronco fans in the state of Florida than Jaguar fans. I've already stated my case on this before, but I think Jacksonville had to trade down or trade their odd pick of Alualu to get to Tebow. It is not a move that would have helped them on the football field, but it would have done incredible things for their franchise. From now until week 1, just note how much national attention will be paid to the Broncos for taking Tebow and juxtapose that with Jags coverage.

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Charlotte Struggles In Playoff Debut

The blinding of Stephen Jackson by his own headband is a fitting representation for the Bobcats playoff series against the Magic. While no one expected the 7 seed to do much damage to the defending Eastern Conference champs, Larry Brown and crew have to be dissapointed. Orlando looks like the more experienced, polished team. Even with Dwight Howard getting in foul trouble, the supporting cast has been great at shooting the ball. The officiating has been awful, on both sides. No surprise that Stack Jack is pleading his case to the one and only Bennett Salvatore.

The Magic are 23-57 from the 3-point line in the first two games. It is proving to be the great equalizer. The Magic move the ball very well, and by contrast Charlotte's offense has been sloppy. Almost 40 turnovers so far. Charlotte has the chance to save some franchise face over the next two games at home, but it is clear they have long strides to make before they are in the Magic's class.

photo via TBL

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Wednesday Links

My car is a piece of crap. The only thing that makes me angrier about this fact is that I have no one to blame about it but myself. I keep paying to get it "fixed" and then something else on it breaks. What else should I expect from a 1991 Volvo. I paid to have the engine replaced a few months ago and since then the muffler detached from the exhaust pipe and now all the coolant leaked out onto my driveway. I should have junked this thing years ago and gotten something else, like the the talking taxi from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

I'm sure you've heard Big Ben is likely getting the 4-6 game suspension. If he keeps it in his pants, it will be 4. [NFL.com]

Here is a pro-Ben take on the situation, has this all been a media frenzy based on rumors and baseless allegations? (I say no) [Ludwig]

Charles Barkley once again proving he has free reign to say what he wants, calls his studiomates A-holes. [Sportress of Blogitude]

Can Yankee fans live with themselves? [Rumors and Rants]

NFL schedule is out, here are the primetime games for the 2010 season. [Awful Announcing]

Jason Taylor is now a Jet. He was not exactly kind to New York when he was a Dolphin. [USAToday via Extra Mustard]

It's trivia Wednesday! Can you name the 50-point game scorers of the 90s? (I went 38/44) [Sporcle]


He is Vigo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him! [YBNBY]

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Bill Clinton Reps The U

Slick Willy is always welcome in the U family. I'm sure him and Jacory could run a campaign, or host a talkshow. He needs some work on his form, but all in all a good showing.

photo courtesy of The U

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