Walter Peck Previews The NHL Western Conference Finals

The ASD did not adopt a hockey team this year as it did last year with the Buffalo Sabres. It has not stopped us from taking in the playoff action. Watching the final game ever in Mellon Arena was exciting. However, my best memory of is not for anything the Pens accomplished, it is the splendor of Jean-Claude Van Damme. The 1995 movie Sudden Death was filmed around a game 7 Stanley Cup game between Pittsburgh and Chicago, only terrorists have take the vice president hostage! As you can see from this trailer, JCVD must use his expert wit and high kicks to undue the plan of an evil mastermind played by the incomparable Powers Booth. Like the trailer says, "Terror goes into overtime!" My what a awesomely bad action movie; Van Damme at the height of his mid-90s powers. So that is what I thought of as the last seconds ticked away in Mellon the other night and the Penguins were eliminated.

The ECF have yet to be determined but another exciting game 7 tonight between Philly and Boston will decide who plays Montreal. Over in the west, game 1 of the conference finals start Sunday with Chicago facing off against San Jose. Since we are slightly inept at practical hockey analysis (but only slightly) we turn once again to our resident EPA administrator, Walter Peck. Ensuring maximum cultural insensitivity and proper air quality freshness, his preview of the WCF is after the jump.

The NHL Western Conference Championship with less F-Bombs and more shoot from the hip analysis.


The Western Conference Finals are a tale of two polar opposite teams. One has been a constant leader in the Western conference only to choke in the playoffs (much like a midget chokes on a normal person’s junk). The other franchise has been God awful since the late nineties similar to the Simpsons. Below is a half ass recap of the two organizations and how I see the WCF playing out.

The Blackhawks have been irrelevant in the Hockey world for the last 10+ years. From 1997 to the 2007/08 season the Blackhawks made the playoffs once and were bounced from the 1st round in 5 games by the Blues. They routinely traded their talent or let their free agents leave thanks to their penny pinching president Wirtz. Wirtz was so despised by the fans that when he died the Blackhawk fans booed during a moment of silence for Wirtz at the arena. It was a classless move even the Philly fans tip their hat too.

Since then the Blackhawks have been rebuilding through smart drafting and development of their talent. The primary players in their young core are Kane, Toews, and Seabrook. Kane and Toews performed really well in the 08/09 season and carried the team to the conference finals until they were knocked out by the Red Wings. The Blackhawks added some good veteran players to round out the roster including defensive forward John Madden (greatest hockey name ever?), Marian Hossa, and blue liner Campell. This unit is young, dangerous, and have looked great this post season. While I admit there were a couple of hiccup games this team is poised to get to the finals.

The other side of the coin has the Sharks. Gay ass uniforms aside this team has been an absolute monster for years… until the playoffs came. Then they folded faster than a Chinese woman at a laundromat. While the Blackhawks have used drafting to build a roster, the Sharks have acquired free agent talent namely, Thornton, Heatley, Blake, and Boyle. While that formula hadn’t produced much in the past the addition of youngster Setoguchi and the phenomenal play of Pavelski helped the Sharks get over the proverbial hump. It also helps that Thornton and Marleau have possibly shaken off their usual dreadful playoff performances. And when I say dreadful I mean more dreadful than a Lybian airline pilot (too soon?).

As for the series itself I see it going the full seven if the Sharks of this year show up and not the duds of years past. As for deciding a winner my personal bias comes in. I don’t care for Chicago, its denizens, and its teams. If Michael Jordan was on fire I wouldn’t cross the street to piss on him. Speaking of getting pissed on thank God Kim Kardashian has nothing to do with the NHL. Not enough brothers I suppose. Random tangent aside I pick the Sharks in seven. The Blackhawks are on the cusp but their youth will bite them in the end (see their two losses to the Canucks).

Of course my prediction could be wrong. But then again looking back at Cleet’s picks during the NCAAs I can’t possibly do worse.



The EPA

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It's Friday: Special EPA Edition

While I pontificated earlier on my first-round thoughts from last night, we have a very special blog recap from our resident government agent Walter Peck, EPA 3rd district. Since yesterday was Earth Day, I figured it would be appropriate to get the perspective from such a respected bureaucrat. Walter is our not so mild mannered official who give his thoughts on everything from cancer, Erin Andrews in the desert, to Tebow's celebratory posse. If you are offended by cursing in print form, incorrect guesses, and discriminatory statements made towards religions, races, ethnicities, or sexual orientation then please do not read on. Otherwise, enjoy the fun while dickless here shuts off our blog powergrid for the week.

The EPA's live psuedo-blog on the NFL Draft...

7:28: Watching the intro I think to myself, this is thee most over hyped bunch of shit I have ever seen. And why the hell is Suh shirtless in his segment of the intro.

7:35: No mention by Berman of the RAAAAIIIIIDERS yet. At least that is a positive sign. And my God how phony is Gruden in fromt of the cameras. Never trust a ginger, that's what my mom always says.

7:37: My God, Sam Bradford's phone is gay looking. And I know that the Rams missed on their picks the last few drafts when it comes to getting a QB (i.e. missing Matt Ryan, Flacco, Sanchez to a lesser extent) but I just want to give them a pre-grats on picking Alex Smith #2.

7:49: WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!

8:27: Did Gruden just say the Raiders have a good roster with a solid nucleus. What a fucking pussy. Try telling the truth for a change you fraud. Rolando McClain!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

8:31: CJ Spiller for the Bills. Way to pick an even shittier version of Reggie Bush. And Reggie Bush is shitty.

8:50: The Chargers trade up for a RB that would have been there in the end of the 1st round. And that's why the Chargers will never win a championship.

8:53: Ahhh, the chants of Eagles Suck. Kevin Kolb doesn't suck... he's... he's... ah shit he sucks like the cancer that sucked away Jim Johnson's life. Too soon?

9:21: I just took a leak and that has been the most exciting thing to happen so far this evening. If memory serves, Erin Andrews is at Clausen's house. Do you think she decided not to blow him once he fell out of the top 10? Not a big enough signing bonus now to warrant the gravy facial.

8:57: Brandon Graham's house responds in typical black people at the movies way. What was with the 2 jews in the background? They're too young to be agents.

9:05: Random guess that Earl Thomas goes to the Steelers at 18. There secondary was really exposed last year when Hair Polamalu was out for 11 games. Nevermind Seahawks got him.

9:34: The line at the bottom of the screen claims Rex Grossman was a key loss for the Texans. Seriously, how much did that guy get paid by Grossman to type that. And as an Iowa Hawkeye hater I laugh that Baluga is still on the board.

9:39: It's Erin Andrews!!!! Look at that dick sucking lip gloss and Hooker hoop ear rings. I can just picture Clausen with his pants around his ankles with his hands up like - OMG it's Jesus Tebow. His posse looks like a reject Jersey shore group (Christian style).

9:43: My last prediction. Denver doesn't learn and picks Dez Bryant to replace Marshall. I would finish up the round but this is so boring I am gonna go do something productive like play Modern Warfare 2.

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