The battle continues between the NCAA, colleges, professional ball clubs, and Native Americans over the use of racist nicknames, logos, and mascots. The Redskins recently had a ruling in their favor because of a technicality. In the college ranks, the College of William & Mary was allowed to keep its name, the Tribe, but their mascot had to be changed. So far among the leaders is an asparagus. Now it appears a new fight is about to be waged over the use of mascots and logos, but the group fighting the discrimination is an unusual source. A legion of devils and demons are preparing to take legal action over the appearance of their incarnations in college sports.
This unprecedented cooperative of demonic forces have strategically filed suit against a host of NCAA institutions that use the likenesses of devils or demons in a manner which "presents a false representation of the darkhearted and mean spirit of the evildoer community," according to court documents. As of right now this evil faction is being led by none other than Satan himself.
"As demons we have spent thousands of years projecting a certain intimidation and sense of fear into the general population of countless dimensions and worlds. These incarnations are nothing more than tasteless caricatures that demean our existence as well as our purpose," Satan told us from his icy throne in the 7th circle of Hades. The Dark One cited specific schools that he and his army were targeting. "Take for instance the 'Blue Devils' from both Duke and Central Connecticut State," 
Mephistopheles said "the goatee for the Duke one is so 20th century and that skin tone is all wrong. As for the Central Connecticut portrayal, never have I ever seen a demon or devil wearing a gym shirt and shorts." Duke will get particularly heavy heat from the lawsuits since it is such a big name school in a major conference. The Lord of Hell does have some reservations about attacking the institution since many graduates of Duke go on to places like Wall Street and while he has professed he is a fan of their Lacrosse team, a stand must be taken.
Other targets of Beezlebub and the other members of his suit include Northwestern State:
In which the suit states "does not capture accurately the pitchfork or the fires of damnation." According to the plantiffs the pitchfork is not really used in torture or combat. "It is as derogatory a symbol as a tomahawk or feathers", Satan claims. Mississippi Valley State is also another target for the group:
"Do I really have to explain this one? Way too effeminate. Despite popular opinion I am not a collar-popper," the Morningstar pointed out. These are only some of the more stronger opinionated examples, while schools such as DePaul are targeted but merely because the legion thinks all of these demonic mascots must go. This lawsuit also begs the question though, why go through the judicial system to rectify this? If the devil and his demons are so evil and powerful why not force the school's hand? "Are you kidding me?" Azazel told us "I am one of the biggest proponents of the U.S. legal system anywhere. Do you have any idea how many lawyers I get a day? I feel like this is our home turf."
Opening arguments are expected to begin next week when the dark legion will take on the first school on the list, Arizona State. This case will give a good indication of whether Satan and company will succeed across the NCAA to eradicate schools using demonic monikers. "Our legal team will hold nothing back when it comes to Arizona State," Leviathan pointed out, "while I enjoy their co-eds and their hand signal, their logo is beyond offensive. It is a grotesque caricature and appears even to have ethnic slants contained in its image. It is even wearing footsies for Judas' sake." 
While some may speculate just how many are backing the Devil on this case, he remains confident. "We are legion and we are many. It is not just demons from my neck of the woods, we have great old school demons like Illidan Stormrage from Outlands and Vexiplass the Incinerator from Vorpal Dimension 45XF7, we have a very strong case. We are all huge sports fans; O.J., the Black Sox, Ty Cobb, Rae Carruth, but we do not feel these mocking images have a place in amateur athletics." Asked if the group had any plans to go after professional franchises like the New Jersey Devils Satan said one group at a time. "Rome was not destroyed in one day my friends, give it time."
Tuesday, June 23
Forces Of Evil Join Together to Fight Offensive Mascots
Wednesday, June 17
Report: Pedro Cerrano Used PEDs
In the wake of the New York Times story alleging that Sammy Sosa tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in the now infamous 104 player list of 2003, an anonymous source is now stepping forward and claiming that he has first-hand knowledge that former Cleveland Indian Pedro Cerrano used PEDs in the late 80s into the early 90s. The source is refusing to reveal his identity but says he was inside that Indians locker room and has no doubt that Cerrano was taking the doping.
Cerrano arrived in Cleveland in 1989 after defecting from Cuba in the year Indians owner Rachel Phelps performed a major salary dump with the team by bringing in players who were either washed up or that came from nowhere. She was threatening to move the team to Miami and brought in manager Lou Brown who had previously been working at a tire shop. When Cerrano arrived in Arizona for spring training he initially impressed the coaches with his hitting but failed to hit the offspeed pitching. He also ruffled feathers in the locker room. The source who named Cerrano said when he first arrived at camp, "He was practicing his voodoo right in the locker room, it freaked some of the guys out."
Cerrano made the team with the coaches hoping he would figure it out. The season started slowly for Pedro and the Indians as a whole. The teams had seen him in spring training and knew his weakness. "It was clear that on any other team, Pedro would have been shipped back to the minors, independent league, or hell even shipped back to Cuba, but with Phelps in charge, she was more than happy to let the whiffs continue.", the source says.
Then a chance meeting before a game changed everything. It was early in the season when the Indians faced the Oakland A's. The A's featured the 'Bash Brothers' and before the game Jose Canseco came over to Cerrano and they began a casual conversation in Spanish according to the report. It was at this time that the source believes Cerrano was hooked up with a steroids dealer by Canseco. According to the Indian's source Cerrano prayed at his voodoo alter to his deity Jobu for a long time before starting to take steroids, "He brought a lot of rum and asked Jobu over and over again, 'Shall I take the magic?' and after a week or so, I noticed him and one of our utility players in the bathroom injecting steroids." 
After Cerrano began using the fortunes of the Indians as well as Pedro began to change. The team began performing better and Cerrano was able to handle the breaking balls. Inside the clubhouse everyone was very hush on the juicing, as many players were back then and through the entire steroid era. Pedro already had the power, this was just a psychological boost because he believed it was a "magic" of sorts. "We started winning so everyone just shut up," the source states. The Indians in fact went on a tear and ending up tied with the Yankees for the division. In the one game playoff Cerrano hit a two-run homer on a curveball in which it is rumored he was about renounce voodoo because he thought the steroids were all he needed to help his bat speed on the breaking balls.
The next year after the Indians failed to make the playoffs, Cerrano converted to Buddhism. His batting once again goes in the tank which many attribute to his placid nature but in truth he was off the juice. The source, which had moved from the clubhouse to management, said it was well-known in the organization that the steroids had been the boost to Cerrano the previous season, "I was no longer in the locker room with the guys, I moved up to...management at the start of the season, but we all knew that Cerrano just was not the same when he was not taking the juice." Once again the Indians struggled to open the season and Cerrano seemed a lost cause because he seemed intent on not taking steroids again. It was then that newly acquired outfielder Isuro Tanaka began to tease Cerrano about what his use had done to his body. Claiming that Pedro had no "marbles" due to the effects of the steroids mixed with his bad play, Tanaka had clearly gotten inside Cerrano's head.
This prompted Pedro to reestablish his relationship with Canseco and begin using steroids again. The results were the same as the previous season as can be seen from this highlight:
Following the season in which the Indians once again were able to make a late season push for the playoffs but unable to win the Series, Cerrano encountered unspecified injuries and retired. He was able to parlay his popularity into a successful career in the insurance industry however. Currently, he works for Allstate Insurance but he declined to comment n the recent allegations.
The source admits that he feels bad for outing Cerrano but says, "The truth has to be told. Sure it was part of the culture for some guys back then, but it did not make it right. Pedro was a powerful player without the juice but mentally he thought it gave him an edge. In the end, I think everyone that was using back in the day needs to come out and say what they did. The game cannot get clean and move on until all the dirty laundry is aired."
