Tuesday, June 23

Forces Of Evil Join Together to Fight Offensive Mascots

The battle continues between the NCAA, colleges, professional ball clubs, and Native Americans over the use of racist nicknames, logos, and mascots. The Redskins recently had a ruling in their favor because of a technicality. In the college ranks, the College of William & Mary was allowed to keep its name, the Tribe, but their mascot had to be changed. So far among the leaders is an asparagus. Now it appears a new fight is about to be waged over the use of mascots and logos, but the group fighting the discrimination is an unusual source. A legion of devils and demons are preparing to take legal action over the appearance of their incarnations in college sports.

This unprecedented cooperative of demonic forces have strategically filed suit against a host of NCAA institutions that use the likenesses of devils or demons in a manner which "presents a false representation of the darkhearted and mean spirit of the evildoer community," according to court documents. As of right now this evil faction is being led by none other than Satan himself.

"As demons we have spent thousands of years projecting a certain intimidation and sense of fear into the general population of countless dimensions and worlds. These incarnations are nothing more than tasteless caricatures that demean our existence as well as our purpose," Satan told us from his icy throne in the 7th circle of Hades. The Dark One cited specific schools that he and his army were targeting. "Take for instance the 'Blue Devils' from both Duke and Central Connecticut State,"

Mephistopheles said "the goatee for the Duke one is so 20th century and that skin tone is all wrong. As for the Central Connecticut portrayal, never have I ever seen a demon or devil wearing a gym shirt and shorts." Duke will get particularly heavy heat from the lawsuits since it is such a big name school in a major conference. The Lord of Hell does have some reservations about attacking the institution since many graduates of Duke go on to places like Wall Street and while he has professed he is a fan of their Lacrosse team, a stand must be taken.

Other targets of Beezlebub and the other members of his suit include Northwestern State:

In which the suit states "does not capture accurately the pitchfork or the fires of damnation." According to the plantiffs the pitchfork is not really used in torture or combat. "It is as derogatory a symbol as a tomahawk or feathers", Satan claims. Mississippi Valley State is also another target for the group:

"Do I really have to explain this one? Way too effeminate. Despite popular opinion I am not a collar-popper," the Morningstar pointed out. These are only some of the more stronger opinionated examples, while schools such as DePaul are targeted but merely because the legion thinks all of these demonic mascots must go. This lawsuit also begs the question though, why go through the judicial system to rectify this? If the devil and his demons are so evil and powerful why not force the school's hand? "Are you kidding me?" Azazel told us "I am one of the biggest proponents of the U.S. legal system anywhere. Do you have any idea how many lawyers I get a day? I feel like this is our home turf."

Opening arguments are expected to begin next week when the dark legion will take on the first school on the list, Arizona State. This case will give a good indication of whether Satan and company will succeed across the NCAA to eradicate schools using demonic monikers. "Our legal team will hold nothing back when it comes to Arizona State," Leviathan pointed out, "while I enjoy their co-eds and their hand signal, their logo is beyond offensive. It is a grotesque caricature and appears even to have ethnic slants contained in its image. It is even wearing footsies for Judas' sake."

While some may speculate just how many are backing the Devil on this case, he remains confident. "We are legion and we are many. It is not just demons from my neck of the woods, we have great old school demons like Illidan Stormrage from Outlands and Vexiplass the Incinerator from Vorpal Dimension 45XF7, we have a very strong case. We are all huge sports fans; O.J., the Black Sox, Ty Cobb, Rae Carruth, but we do not feel these mocking images have a place in amateur athletics." Asked if the group had any plans to go after professional franchises like the New Jersey Devils Satan said one group at a time. "Rome was not destroyed in one day my friends, give it time."

1 comment:

the EPA said...

New Jersey Devils. Everyone knows that only evil people live in NJ.

What's next? My San Francisco Chinks will get sued to change their name (it's a chess league team)