Thursday, June 18

"I'm Winston Wolfe, I Solve Problems"


Scene: Cleveland GM Danny Ferry's office.

Ferry: You've got to appreciate how explosive this LeBron situation is commissioner.
David Stern: How so?
Ferry: Imagine you're LeBron, and you're coming home from a hard couple months touring and promoting yourself and find a bunch of front office suits having done nothing in the offseason, ain't no tellin' what he's liable to do.
Stern: Relax, Danny but I am just contemplating that in 2010 we might be facing some "if"s.

Ferry: I don't want to hear about no mother fucking "if"s! All I wanna hear from your ass is 'You ain't got no problems Danny, I'm on the motherfucker, go back in their, chill them suits out and wait for the calvary, which should be coming directly.'
Stern: You ain't got no problems Danny, I'm on the motherfucker, go back in there and chill them suits out and wait for The Wolf who should be coming directly.
Ferry: You sending The Wolf?
Stern: Is there a better motherfucker?
Ferry: Shit bro, that's all you had to say!


Scene: Cavs owner Dan Gilbert waits in the lobby of Quicken Loans arena while Danny and Mike Brown wait eagerly in the Cavs front office.

(An Acura Nsx pulls up to the curb outside the arena. Seconds later the door bell rings and the door subsequently opens)

Winston Wolfe: You're Dan right? This is your franchise?
Gilbert: It sure is.
Wolfe: I'm Winston Wolfe, I solve problems.
Gilbert: Good, we got one.
Wolfe: That's what I heard. May I come in?
Gilbert: Yes, please do.

(They walk to the front office)

Wolfe: You must be Danny, which would make you Mike. Let's get down to brass tax gentlemen, if I was informed correctly the clock is ticking is that right Dan?
Gilbert: Uh, 100%.
Wolfe: Your NBA MVP/marketing superstar comes to training camp in a few months?
I was lead to beleive that if LBJ comes here and finds nothing done with the roster, he won't appreciate it none too much?
Gilbert: You bet.
Wolfe: That gives us..(checks watch) just a few months this summer to get this team to the finals which if you do what I say when I say it should be plenty. Now we've got a failed playoff run and a bare bones roster in a city desperate for a title; take me to your office.

(They walk to Ferry's office where the current roster and salary information is laid out on the table, with lots of blood stains on it.)

Wolfe: Dan?
Gilbert: Yeah.
Wolfe: I thought I smelled some coffee back their in the lobby, could you go get me a cup?
Gilbert: (pauses) Uh, yeah. How do you take it?
Wolfe: Lots of cream, lots of sugar.

(Dan the leaves room)

Wolfe: So about the team, is there anything I need to know? Is there a locker room cancer? Player sleeping with another player's girl? Bad chemistry?
Ferry: Besides the lack of support for James it's cool.
Wolfe: I better not get to moving the roster and find out somebody's got an ACL tear or something.
Ferry: As far as I know we are all good.
Wolfe: Let's go back to the lobby.

(Brown, Ferry and Wolfe get back to the lobby where Dan Gilbert is waiting with the coffee. Wolfe is handed the cup, takes a sip, and acknowledges the quality to Dan.)

Wolfe: Ok, very simple, we move a few bodies in the trunk. Dan, this looks like a good arena so am I correct in believing there are computers and calculators and NBA guidelines on trades and free agency?
Gilbert: Yeah yeah.
Wolfe: What I need you two to do (points at Brown and Ferry) is to clean up the books, I'm talking about getting all the information in order on who's contract is running out and getting rid of them and who we can use as trade bait. Now you don't have to go Daryl Morey on them, just give them a good once over. Get on the roster and remove the pieces that are not going to get this team to the finals.

(turns to Dan)

Wolfe: We need to raid your private jet Dan, I need champagne, I need cigars, I need hookers...classy ones, I need a suitcase full of cash. We are going to bring these with us to Phoenix. We need to have all this ready so if any NBA execs come looking in the plane, we can keep them distracted. Dan lead the way, boys get to work.
Brown: A please would be nice.
Wolfe: Come again?
Brown: I said a please would be nice.
Wolfe: Get it straight buster I'm not here to say "please" I'm here to tell you what to do. Now if self-preservation is a instinct you possess you better fucking do it and do it quick. I'm here to help, if my help's not appreciated, lots of luck gentlemen.
Ferry: No Mr. Wolfe it ain't like that your help is definitely appreciated...
Brown: Mr. Wolfe, I don't mean to disrespect you ok, I respect you. It's just I don't like people barking orders at me that's all.
Wolfe: If I'm curt, it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast and I need you guys to act as if you want to keep your jobs. So pretty please, with sugar on top: clean the fucking roster.

(Wolfe and Gilbert exit. Ferry stares at Brown.)

Brown: Don't be looking at me like that, alright, I can feel your look.

Scene: Mr. Wolfe is on the phone in one of the private suites at the arena, Gilbert comes walking in with a suitcase and a dozen hookers who are each carrying champagne, Cuban cigars and cocaine.

Wolfe: (Into the phone) It's a 1974 center and a Serbian shooting guard...nothing, except for the mess they made this about a couple hours...nobody who will be're a good man Steve thanks a bunch. (Hangs up phone) How's it coming Dan?
Gilbert: Good Mr. Wolfe, but you gotta understand something...
Wolfe: Winston, please Winston.
Gilbert: You gotta understand something Winston, these are our best hookers. They are usually used for bribing government officials and schmoozing clients. And the cigars and champagne were a gift from my Uncle Conrad and Aunt Jenny for a special occasion and their no longer with us.
Wolfe: Let me ask you something Dan, your Uncle Conrad and Aunt Jenny (lights cigarette), were they millionares?
Gilbert: Well, I never calculated their net worth but...
Wolfe: Well your commissioner David undoubtedly is.
(Wolfe pulls out a fat roll of hundred dollar bills)
Wolfe: Now your commissioner is going to furnish you with a new cellar full of champagne and the best cigars this side of Cuba. I'm a Pernod-Ricard Perrier-Jouet man myself Dan what about you? Are you a Pernod-Ricard Perrier-Jouet man?
Gilbert: Pernod-Ricard Perrier-Jouet is nice.

Scene: Danny Ferry and Mike Brown are in Ferry's office with a laminated roster making notes with markers and calculations.

Ferry: Oh man, I will never forgive your ass for not making the finals this year this is some fucked up shit.
Brown: Danny have you ever heard the philosophy that once a man admits he is wrong he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? Have you ever heard that?
Ferry: Get out of my face with that! Anyone that ever said that never had to watch their team get the best record in the league and lose in the Eastern Finals!
Brown: I've got a threshold Danny for how much abuse I can take. Right now I'm a Coach of the Year and you got me in the red. And I'm just sayin', it's fucking dangerous to have a Coach of the Year in the red that's all. I'm ready to blow.
Ferry: Oh you ready to blow?!
Brown: Yeah I'm ready to blow.
Ferry: Well I'm a mushroom cloud-laying-motherfucker motherfucker. I won an NBA title in San Antonio! Here's my ring bitch! Everytime my marker moves over Szczerbiak I'm Superfly TNT, I'm the Guns of the Navarone. In fact, what the fuck am I doing on the expiring contracts. You the motherfucker that sat there with your thumb up your ass against Orlando, you should be getting rid of the money coming off the books. We're switching, you are marking off expiring contracts and I'm working on the player options and re-signings.

Scene: Minutes later, Wolfe and Gilbert come walking in. The roster has been cleaned and of the blood and Wally Szczerbiak, Joe Smith, Eric Snow, and Lorenzen Wright have been taken off. Player options for Ilgauskas and Varejao have been higlighted and Ben Wallace and Sasha Pavlovic's salaries have been circled.

Wolfe: Nice job gentlemen. We may get out of this yet.
Gilbert: I can't even believe this is the same team.
Wolfe: Well let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet. We did phase one, clear off the roster, which brings us to phase two, add some help. Follow me gentlemen.

Scene: Wolfe, Ferry, and Brown arrive on the Tarmac at the Cleveland airport where they find Gilbert's jet waiting with everything inside.

Wolfe: Ok, get in.
Brown: We're going?
Wolfe: You guys are in charge of keeping the women in line. Quickly gentlemen, less than 3 months until Dan's better half gets back.
Brown: Is this completely necessary?
Wolfe: You know what you two guys look like? A couple of guys that just blew an NBA Championship now get in the plane.

Scene: Brown and Ferry are waiting outside the jet on the Phoenix airport tarmac. The private jet is empty, all the women, champagne, cigars, and blow are gone. Presently, Wolfe comes walking up with Shaq at his side.

Ferry: We cool?
Wolfe: He's yours, Wallace and Pavlovic are gone. It's like last year's inaction and playoff failure never happened once this hype machine gets going. Boys, this is Shaq. He is kind of old but will provide a dominant force inside to help with your needs for the upcoming season and the press and marketing you will get for having both Shaq and LBJ on your team will be monumental.
Shaq: Hi, so what's with the outfits? You guys going to an accountants convention or something?
Wolfe: Hahaha. I'm taking the Shaq back to Miami to collect some things. Maybe I can drop you guys off somewhere.
Brown: We were going to head back to Cleveland.
Wolfe: I see in your future... a commercial flight. Make your offseason residence someplace warm gentlemen. Say goodnight Shaq.
Shaq: Goodnight Shaq.
Wolfe: You stay out of trouble kids, and don't choke away your chance at a ring this upcoming year, it may be your last.
Ferry: Mr. Wolfe, I just want to say it was a real pleasure watching you work.
Brown: Thank you very much Mr. Wolfe.
Wolfe: Call me Winston. I hope you realize you guys can't just slack off and not do your jobs because I got the big guy for you. Do your best to resign Verejao and make smart draft-pick decisions.

(Wolfe and Shaq head into the jet.)

Wolfe: You see that Shaq? Respect for one's elders shows character.
Shaq: I have character.
Wolfe: Making funny tweets and you talking about how your ass tastes means you are a character, not that you have character.

(The jet takes off)

Ferry: Want to get some first-class tickets home?
Brown: I'm up for breakfast. You wanna have breakfast with me?
Ferry: Cool.


lbj23 said...

I don't know what's better. The running dialog or the Mookie Blaylock pic. Nice blog ;) Ryan

Anonymous said...

Cleet & Catfish: that was "mutha-fu*&ing" brilliant. Well done sirs.

Cleet said...

Holy Balls Moot, where have you been??