Wednesday, September 22

Strange Doings in Iowa

We here at ASD like to pander to our audience. This means hitting on subjects that our four readers find interesting. Sometimes we have to go out of our way to mention topics but other times, an Athletic Director of Beck's alma mater gets pulled over for drunk driving with a young women who is not her wife and is clutching a pair of her panties in his hand.

Well, we have another set of occurrences that have happened in the home state of Walter Peck of the EPA, 3rd district. Iowa has been at the center of some sports-related, biological, and apocalyptic events. Let's recount, SHALL WE?

First we have good news for our friend Walter and bad news for every human left on this planet. Yes, he has officially spawned and produced viable offspring. I imagine it was like the power grid was shut down(please, pleeeeease). In true Walter Peck fashion this is how he announced the birth:

And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was [name redacted to protect him from secret papal assassination squads], and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.
So along with the probable End of Days we have a Cedar Rapids man who had a worm in his eye eating his retina. I feel bad for this guy, mainly because this was the attitude of his doctor:
Dr. Folk said, “When you hit it with the laser, it got very upset. As upset as a worm can get, I suppose…The thing was just thrashing around violently. It would be like one of those titan movies or something.”
Release the flesh-eating eye worms! Zeus may have put Perseus in his place if he used that instead of the giant sea monster(/dick joke).

Hmmm, let's see what else, oh yeah ESPN decided for reasons slightly unclear to me went on a Big Ten tour with their show Sports Nation. I don't watch the show except for a snippet here and there. I'd watch a lot more if it was just Michelle Beadle and she was not accompanied by Captain Douchebucket. So they stopped by the University of Iowa and did some cheerleading.

As Sparky Polastry once put it, "Male cheerleaders, enough said."

Speaking of the Hawkeyes, they disposed of Walter's beloved Iowa State Cyclones 35-7 but ISU actually managed an offensive touchdown this year. Last week they fell to Arizona in a crazy game that saw the Wildcats jumped ahead, then Iowa claw back, then get sacked 3 times in a row to close it out. They'll bounce back though, even traffic-ignoring pick-ups can't stop these guys.


Becky said...

I appreciate the fact that you appreciate your niche audience...

Also to be appreciated, I've convinced the rest of my trivia "team" to use the name, real Georgia fans wear red panties. Thanks!

Post script, UGA is a one point underdog going into the game Saturday. WTHTSTHGahhh

the EPA said...

I have lots to add to this when I get the chance later today.



Cleet said...

Beck I appreciate your appreciation of my appreciation. I respect that trivia team name.

Walter, your schadenfreude is most commendable.

the EPA said...

I had to look up schadenfreude. You and your big words.

The worm in the guy's eye reminds me of when I was in Lake Havasu and there was a worm that crawled into some guy's ear and ate his brain. Fuck nature. Bring on global warming to kill all this shit I say!

Nothing could be finer than seeing the Fuckeyes lose and drop 9 spots in the polls. Those arrogant pricks think they actually have a BCS title shot. Bafoons.

As for the Iowa lineman that got hit by the SUV, if you play college football and drive around on a fagio you deserve, nay need to be hit by a SUV. The video of him flipping through the air is on my favorites list.

And while Austin Arnaud is the starting QB at ISU we will not beat Iowa.

Oh and lol @ Georgia