Well, let us just say that the trip to Ohio did not disappoint. There was not even that many Buckeye fans around, perhaps because we were closer to Pennsylvania than Columbus, but whatever the case K-man is now a happily married man and Catfish and I are safely back in North Carolina. While recounting the details of the weekend would possibly incriminate all those involved and since some people who read this blog know me personally, I sadly cannot divulge all that occurred. I will however give a rundown of what I learned over the weekend though.
-Youngstown, Ohio is apparently the marriage capital of the Midwestern United States. There were weddings everywhere and when I informed people I was here for a wedding they all told me what to expect and looked upon me as if I was an simple tourist in some kind of marriage destination.
-Catfish throws a strong right hand and somebody got on a plane yesterday with evidence of that on their face.
-If you have upwards of 200 people at your wedding but less than 4% of those attendees are single ladies, that is wrong.
-Despite popular belief, I am not in favor of chasing after cankles.
-There are few words better in the human language than "open bar".
-Lighting is a very important component in owning/operating a strip club.
-Four guys in the back of a compact Mazda is not a good idea, but can be done with the proper body angles.
Each one of these revelations has an interesting story behind it but I will leave it to your imagination. Catfish and I stopped by the Pro Football Hall of Fame like we planned yesterday. It was a good experience and I'm glad we decided to go. While we were gone some crazy stuff went down.
Billy Mays is gone? Wait this stuff is only supposed to happen in 3's. [Tampa Bay Online]
The U.S. Soccer team came oh so close to pulling off the huge upset while we drove through the hills of West Virginia. Even though they came close and lost, the story is not all bad. [Soccer Haus]
The Yanks swept the Mets at Citi Field, Rivera picks up his 500th save and Jerry Manuel is sending out an SOS. 3 of your 4 best hitters, a starting pitcher, and you're setup man on the DL will do that to you. [New York Post via TBL]
Roger Federer continues to roll at Wimbledon. It appears only Andy Murray can stop him now. [SI.com]
The Mountain West is not letting their dream of a playoff in FBS college football die. [Salt Lake Tribune via CGB]
Traveling in Ohio this weekend meant we got a taste of Cleveland sports radio, the talk was all about Shaq and the Cavs. [Cleveland Plain Dealer]
Monday, June 29
Weekend Recap
Friday, June 26
Thursday, June 25
Into The Belly Of The Beast
This coming Saturday our friend and faithful reader of the blog(!) K-Man is getting married. Yes, we all tried to talk him out of it, but it turns out he has found the right one. Therefore, at the asscrack of dawn Catfish and I will embark on a journey to a place I never thought I would venture: Ohio. Now it is not a mystery how I feel about the state university of Ohio, but I am not going in angry. I do not assume that every single person in the state is an annoying Buckeye fan, but I'm certain most of them are. However, to keep the occasion joyous I will refrain from entering any arguments, especially ones about the 2003 Fiesta Bowl. Of course, you never if you can keep a promise like that if you are provoked. Who knows what dastardly plans Catfish has for an alum of the U in such a place. Hopefully such an incident will not occur and I can focus on the open bar.
We do plan on stopping by the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton on our way home Sunday. I will give a rundown of our trip there on the blog next week. As we mentioned before, things may be changing around these parts but that is still yet to be determined. Luckily we have been able to keep up somewhat with the blog and we plan to continue that until our new course of action is taken.
Before we sign off for the weekend, a few stories. And for those of you wondering, yes there will be a "It's Friday" posted tomorrow.
The NBA Draft is tonight and the excitement is palpable. If you have any interest in this already I cannot tell you anything you do not already know about who might be picking whom. But perhaps you did not know this: UConn center Hasheem Thabeet's name roughly translates to "Carlton Banks" in English. [HHR]
I do not know if they used Winston Wolfe like I imagined, but the Cavs have acquired Shaq in a trade with Phoenix. They probably didn't use the Wolf because they had to give up a second -round pick in addition to Shasha and Big Ben. [Ball Don't Lie]
Finally, a word on number 90. Julius Peppers finally signed his franchise tag tender and plans on reporting to camp from here on out with the Carolina Panthers. Interesting language going on from both sides on this issue. Peppers says he is ready to play ball for the Panthros and GM Marty Hurney expects the all out effort from him. Maybe it's just me but am I missing something here? Pep also said he is interested in a long-term deal now? Something smells in the QC my friends.[CBSSports]
Well, it is time to hit the road. Who knows what adverntures lie ahead for the ASD in Ohio, perhaps we will run into these guys.
Until next week, stay thirsty my friends.
Wednesday, June 24
Brock Lesnar Does Not Want To Get Into Racism Or Anything But..
With UFC 100 amazingly just around the corner TBL points to this article by the Minneapolis Star Tribune where Brock waxes poetic on the WWE, the president, and steroid accusations in a Maxim interview. Here are just some of the gems.
On the WWE: "The guys who get out are the smart ones, really and truly."
On Obama: "But if Obama keeps spending our money like this, I'll have to fight till I'm 50."
On steroids: "I bet you I've taken over 60 steroid tests. In college, I had 15 random drug tests in two years. I've taken drug tests for the NFL, the WWE, the UFC. I must be pretty good at masking steroids. God gave me this body: Are you jealous of it or what?"
On...um, how he is built: "I got the genetics of--not to get into racism or anything--but I'm built like a black man. Would you say so?"
I don't know what to say to that Brock to be honest. I'd probably have to ask Sable.
Brock Lesnar: "I Like to Punish People" [Maxim] Continue reading...
Tuesday, June 23
Forces Of Evil Join Together to Fight Offensive Mascots
The battle continues between the NCAA, colleges, professional ball clubs, and Native Americans over the use of racist nicknames, logos, and mascots. The Redskins recently had a ruling in their favor because of a technicality. In the college ranks, the College of William & Mary was allowed to keep its name, the Tribe, but their mascot had to be changed. So far among the leaders is an asparagus. Now it appears a new fight is about to be waged over the use of mascots and logos, but the group fighting the discrimination is an unusual source. A legion of devils and demons are preparing to take legal action over the appearance of their incarnations in college sports.
This unprecedented cooperative of demonic forces have strategically filed suit against a host of NCAA institutions that use the likenesses of devils or demons in a manner which "presents a false representation of the darkhearted and mean spirit of the evildoer community," according to court documents. As of right now this evil faction is being led by none other than Satan himself.
"As demons we have spent thousands of years projecting a certain intimidation and sense of fear into the general population of countless dimensions and worlds. These incarnations are nothing more than tasteless caricatures that demean our existence as well as our purpose," Satan told us from his icy throne in the 7th circle of Hades. The Dark One cited specific schools that he and his army were targeting. "Take for instance the 'Blue Devils' from both Duke and Central Connecticut State," 
Mephistopheles said "the goatee for the Duke one is so 20th century and that skin tone is all wrong. As for the Central Connecticut portrayal, never have I ever seen a demon or devil wearing a gym shirt and shorts." Duke will get particularly heavy heat from the lawsuits since it is such a big name school in a major conference. The Lord of Hell does have some reservations about attacking the institution since many graduates of Duke go on to places like Wall Street and while he has professed he is a fan of their Lacrosse team, a stand must be taken.
Other targets of Beezlebub and the other members of his suit include Northwestern State:
In which the suit states "does not capture accurately the pitchfork or the fires of damnation." According to the plantiffs the pitchfork is not really used in torture or combat. "It is as derogatory a symbol as a tomahawk or feathers", Satan claims. Mississippi Valley State is also another target for the group:
"Do I really have to explain this one? Way too effeminate. Despite popular opinion I am not a collar-popper," the Morningstar pointed out. These are only some of the more stronger opinionated examples, while schools such as DePaul are targeted but merely because the legion thinks all of these demonic mascots must go. This lawsuit also begs the question though, why go through the judicial system to rectify this? If the devil and his demons are so evil and powerful why not force the school's hand? "Are you kidding me?" Azazel told us "I am one of the biggest proponents of the U.S. legal system anywhere. Do you have any idea how many lawyers I get a day? I feel like this is our home turf."
Opening arguments are expected to begin next week when the dark legion will take on the first school on the list, Arizona State. This case will give a good indication of whether Satan and company will succeed across the NCAA to eradicate schools using demonic monikers. "Our legal team will hold nothing back when it comes to Arizona State," Leviathan pointed out, "while I enjoy their co-eds and their hand signal, their logo is beyond offensive. It is a grotesque caricature and appears even to have ethnic slants contained in its image. It is even wearing footsies for Judas' sake." 
While some may speculate just how many are backing the Devil on this case, he remains confident. "We are legion and we are many. It is not just demons from my neck of the woods, we have great old school demons like Illidan Stormrage from Outlands and Vexiplass the Incinerator from Vorpal Dimension 45XF7, we have a very strong case. We are all huge sports fans; O.J., the Black Sox, Ty Cobb, Rae Carruth, but we do not feel these mocking images have a place in amateur athletics." Asked if the group had any plans to go after professional franchises like the New Jersey Devils Satan said one group at a time. "Rome was not destroyed in one day my friends, give it time."
Monday, June 22
Weekend Recap
No need to recap the U.S. Open. It's not over yet. This morning Ricky Barnes will attempt to hold off the other players charging toward him including Tiger and Phil. [Update: He didn't, but the guy he was playing with did.]
You can follow the coverage live on your computer though thanks to the genius of the internets. [NBC Sports]
Former QB at the U and Miami-area steakhouse owner Bernie Kosar has filed for bankruptcy. He blames the economy, others his foolish spreadthrift ways. All I'm wondering is why the hell his ex-wife Babette deserves $3 million. [Miami Herald]
The U.S. Soccer team pulled one completely out of their backside by advancing to the semifinals of the Confederations Cup. [Rumors and Rants]
The Wimbledon preview this year begins and ends with Roger Federer. It is extremely dissapointing that Nadal had to withdraw because of injury which really only leaves two compelling stories on the men's side: Federer going for the record 15th Grand Slam title and Andy Murray becoming the latest hope for the Brits. [SI.com]
Hope everyone enjoyed their Father's Day, unless you hate your father or can't stand your kids. [HHR]
Warren Sapp says the youngins don't listen to the old folk nowadays. Insert lawn joke here. [PFT]
Sabathia hurts his bicep as the Yanks fall to the Marlins 6-5. The Fish took the series from the Yanks at Landshark Stadium. It was like 2003 all over again. [Sporting News]
Jason Campbell speaks with dolphins. We have to get him and Darren Dalton together. [DC Sports Bog]
Friday, June 19
Thursday, June 18
"I'm Winston Wolfe, I Solve Problems"
THE LEBRON SITUAITON
Scene: Cleveland GM Danny Ferry's office.
Ferry: You've got to appreciate how explosive this LeBron situation is commissioner.
David Stern: How so?
Ferry: Imagine you're LeBron, and you're coming home from a hard couple months touring and promoting yourself and find a bunch of front office suits having done nothing in the offseason, ain't no tellin' what he's liable to do.
Stern: Relax, Danny but I am just contemplating that in 2010 we might be facing some "if"s.
Ferry: I don't want to hear about no mother fucking "if"s! All I wanna hear from your ass is 'You ain't got no problems Danny, I'm on the motherfucker, go back in their, chill them suits out and wait for the calvary, which should be coming directly.'
Stern: You ain't got no problems Danny, I'm on the motherfucker, go back in there and chill them suits out and wait for The Wolf who should be coming directly.
Ferry: You sending The Wolf?
Stern: Is there a better motherfucker?
Ferry: Shit bro, that's all you had to say!
(click)
Scene: Cavs owner Dan Gilbert waits in the lobby of Quicken Loans arena while Danny and Mike Brown wait eagerly in the Cavs front office.
(An Acura Nsx pulls up to the curb outside the arena. Seconds later the door bell rings and the door subsequently opens)
Winston Wolfe: You're Dan right? This is your franchise?
Gilbert: It sure is.
Wolfe: I'm Winston Wolfe, I solve problems.
Gilbert: Good, we got one.
Wolfe: That's what I heard. May I come in?
Gilbert: Yes, please do.
(They walk to the front office)
Wolfe: You must be Danny, which would make you Mike. Let's get down to brass tax gentlemen, if I was informed correctly the clock is ticking is that right Dan?
Gilbert: Uh, 100%.
Wolfe: Your NBA MVP/marketing superstar comes to training camp in a few months?
I was lead to beleive that if LBJ comes here and finds nothing done with the roster, he won't appreciate it none too much?
Gilbert: You bet.
Wolfe: That gives us..(checks watch) just a few months this summer to get this team to the finals which if you do what I say when I say it should be plenty. Now we've got a failed playoff run and a bare bones roster in a city desperate for a title; take me to your office.
(They walk to Ferry's office where the current roster and salary information is laid out on the table, with lots of blood stains on it.)
Wolfe: Dan?
Gilbert: Yeah.
Wolfe: I thought I smelled some coffee back their in the lobby, could you go get me a cup?
Gilbert: (pauses) Uh, yeah. How do you take it?
Wolfe: Lots of cream, lots of sugar.
(Dan the leaves room)
Wolfe: So about the team, is there anything I need to know? Is there a locker room cancer? Player sleeping with another player's girl? Bad chemistry?
Ferry: Besides the lack of support for James it's cool.
Wolfe: I better not get to moving the roster and find out somebody's got an ACL tear or something.
Ferry: As far as I know we are all good.
Wolfe: Let's go back to the lobby.
(Brown, Ferry and Wolfe get back to the lobby where Dan Gilbert is waiting with the coffee. Wolfe is handed the cup, takes a sip, and acknowledges the quality to Dan.)
Wolfe: Ok, very simple, we move a few bodies in the trunk. Dan, this looks like a good arena so am I correct in believing there are computers and calculators and NBA guidelines on trades and free agency?
Gilbert: Yeah yeah.
Wolfe: What I need you two to do (points at Brown and Ferry) is to clean up the books, I'm talking about getting all the information in order on who's contract is running out and getting rid of them and who we can use as trade bait. Now you don't have to go Daryl Morey on them, just give them a good once over. Get on the roster and remove the pieces that are not going to get this team to the finals.
(turns to Dan)
Wolfe: We need to raid your private jet Dan, I need champagne, I need cigars, I need hookers...classy ones, I need a suitcase full of cash. We are going to bring these with us to Phoenix. We need to have all this ready so if any NBA execs come looking in the plane, we can keep them distracted. Dan lead the way, boys get to work.
Brown: A please would be nice.
Wolfe: Come again?
Brown: I said a please would be nice.
Wolfe: Get it straight buster I'm not here to say "please" I'm here to tell you what to do. Now if self-preservation is a instinct you possess you better fucking do it and do it quick. I'm here to help, if my help's not appreciated, lots of luck gentlemen.
Ferry: No Mr. Wolfe it ain't like that your help is definitely appreciated...
Brown: Mr. Wolfe, I don't mean to disrespect you ok, I respect you. It's just I don't like people barking orders at me that's all.
Wolfe: If I'm curt, it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast and I need you guys to act as if you want to keep your jobs. So pretty please, with sugar on top: clean the fucking roster.
(Wolfe and Gilbert exit. Ferry stares at Brown.)
Brown: Don't be looking at me like that, alright, I can feel your look.
Scene: Mr. Wolfe is on the phone in one of the private suites at the arena, Gilbert comes walking in with a suitcase and a dozen hookers who are each carrying champagne, Cuban cigars and cocaine.
Wolfe: (Into the phone) It's a 1974 center and a Serbian shooting guard...nothing, except for the mess they made this year...in about a couple hours...nobody who will be missed...you're a good man Steve thanks a bunch. (Hangs up phone) How's it coming Dan?
Gilbert: Good Mr. Wolfe, but you gotta understand something...
Wolfe: Winston, please Winston.
Gilbert: You gotta understand something Winston, these are our best hookers. They are usually used for bribing government officials and schmoozing clients. And the cigars and champagne were a gift from my Uncle Conrad and Aunt Jenny for a special occasion and their no longer with us.
Wolfe: Let me ask you something Dan, your Uncle Conrad and Aunt Jenny (lights cigarette), were they millionares?
Gilbert: Well, I never calculated their net worth but...
Wolfe: Well your commissioner David undoubtedly is.
(Wolfe pulls out a fat roll of hundred dollar bills)
Wolfe: Now your commissioner is going to furnish you with a new cellar full of champagne and the best cigars this side of Cuba. I'm a Pernod-Ricard Perrier-Jouet man myself Dan what about you? Are you a Pernod-Ricard Perrier-Jouet man?
Gilbert: Pernod-Ricard Perrier-Jouet is nice.
Scene: Danny Ferry and Mike Brown are in Ferry's office with a laminated roster making notes with markers and calculations.
Ferry: Oh man, I will never forgive your ass for not making the finals this year this is some fucked up shit.
Brown: Danny have you ever heard the philosophy that once a man admits he is wrong he is immediately forgiven for all wrongdoings? Have you ever heard that?
Ferry: Get out of my face with that! Anyone that ever said that never had to watch their team get the best record in the league and lose in the Eastern Finals!
Brown: I've got a threshold Danny for how much abuse I can take. Right now I'm a Coach of the Year and you got me in the red. And I'm just sayin', it's fucking dangerous to have a Coach of the Year in the red that's all. I'm ready to blow.
Ferry: Oh you ready to blow?!
Brown: Yeah I'm ready to blow.
Ferry: Well I'm a mushroom cloud-laying-motherfucker motherfucker. I won an NBA title in San Antonio! Here's my ring bitch! Everytime my marker moves over Szczerbiak I'm Superfly TNT, I'm the Guns of the Navarone. In fact, what the fuck am I doing on the expiring contracts. You the motherfucker that sat there with your thumb up your ass against Orlando, you should be getting rid of the money coming off the books. We're switching, you are marking off expiring contracts and I'm working on the player options and re-signings.
Scene: Minutes later, Wolfe and Gilbert come walking in. The roster has been cleaned and of the blood and Wally Szczerbiak, Joe Smith, Eric Snow, and Lorenzen Wright have been taken off. Player options for Ilgauskas and Varejao have been higlighted and Ben Wallace and Sasha Pavlovic's salaries have been circled.
Wolfe: Nice job gentlemen. We may get out of this yet.
Gilbert: I can't even believe this is the same team.
Wolfe: Well let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet. We did phase one, clear off the roster, which brings us to phase two, add some help. Follow me gentlemen.
Scene: Wolfe, Ferry, and Brown arrive on the Tarmac at the Cleveland airport where they find Gilbert's jet waiting with everything inside.
Wolfe: Ok, get in.
Brown: We're going?
Wolfe: You guys are in charge of keeping the women in line. Quickly gentlemen, less than 3 months until Dan's better half gets back.
Brown: Is this completely necessary?
Wolfe: You know what you two guys look like? A couple of guys that just blew an NBA Championship now get in the plane.
Scene: Brown and Ferry are waiting outside the jet on the Phoenix airport tarmac. The private jet is empty, all the women, champagne, cigars, and blow are gone. Presently, Wolfe comes walking up with Shaq at his side.
Ferry: We cool?
Wolfe: He's yours, Wallace and Pavlovic are gone. It's like last year's inaction and playoff failure never happened once this hype machine gets going. Boys, this is Shaq. He is kind of old but will provide a dominant force inside to help with your needs for the upcoming season and the press and marketing you will get for having both Shaq and LBJ on your team will be monumental.
Shaq: Hi, so what's with the outfits? You guys going to an accountants convention or something?
Wolfe: Hahaha. I'm taking the Shaq back to Miami to collect some things. Maybe I can drop you guys off somewhere.
Brown: We were going to head back to Cleveland.
Wolfe: I see in your future... a commercial flight. Make your offseason residence someplace warm gentlemen. Say goodnight Shaq.
Shaq: Goodnight Shaq.
Wolfe: You stay out of trouble kids, and don't choke away your chance at a ring this upcoming year, it may be your last.
Ferry: Mr. Wolfe, I just want to say it was a real pleasure watching you work.
Brown: Thank you very much Mr. Wolfe.
Wolfe: Call me Winston. I hope you realize you guys can't just slack off and not do your jobs because I got the big guy for you. Do your best to resign Verejao and make smart draft-pick decisions.
(Wolfe and Shaq head into the jet.)
Wolfe: You see that Shaq? Respect for one's elders shows character.
Shaq: I have character.
Wolfe: Making funny tweets and you talking about how your ass tastes means you are a character, not that you have character.
(The jet takes off)
Ferry: Want to get some first-class tickets home?
Brown: I'm up for breakfast. You wanna have breakfast with me?
Ferry: Cool.
Wednesday, June 17
Report: Pedro Cerrano Used PEDs
In the wake of the New York Times story alleging that Sammy Sosa tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in the now infamous 104 player list of 2003, an anonymous source is now stepping forward and claiming that he has first-hand knowledge that former Cleveland Indian Pedro Cerrano used PEDs in the late 80s into the early 90s. The source is refusing to reveal his identity but says he was inside that Indians locker room and has no doubt that Cerrano was taking the doping.
Cerrano arrived in Cleveland in 1989 after defecting from Cuba in the year Indians owner Rachel Phelps performed a major salary dump with the team by bringing in players who were either washed up or that came from nowhere. She was threatening to move the team to Miami and brought in manager Lou Brown who had previously been working at a tire shop. When Cerrano arrived in Arizona for spring training he initially impressed the coaches with his hitting but failed to hit the offspeed pitching. He also ruffled feathers in the locker room. The source who named Cerrano said when he first arrived at camp, "He was practicing his voodoo right in the locker room, it freaked some of the guys out."
Cerrano made the team with the coaches hoping he would figure it out. The season started slowly for Pedro and the Indians as a whole. The teams had seen him in spring training and knew his weakness. "It was clear that on any other team, Pedro would have been shipped back to the minors, independent league, or hell even shipped back to Cuba, but with Phelps in charge, she was more than happy to let the whiffs continue.", the source says.
Then a chance meeting before a game changed everything. It was early in the season when the Indians faced the Oakland A's. The A's featured the 'Bash Brothers' and before the game Jose Canseco came over to Cerrano and they began a casual conversation in Spanish according to the report. It was at this time that the source believes Cerrano was hooked up with a steroids dealer by Canseco. According to the Indian's source Cerrano prayed at his voodoo alter to his deity Jobu for a long time before starting to take steroids, "He brought a lot of rum and asked Jobu over and over again, 'Shall I take the magic?' and after a week or so, I noticed him and one of our utility players in the bathroom injecting steroids." 
After Cerrano began using the fortunes of the Indians as well as Pedro began to change. The team began performing better and Cerrano was able to handle the breaking balls. Inside the clubhouse everyone was very hush on the juicing, as many players were back then and through the entire steroid era. Pedro already had the power, this was just a psychological boost because he believed it was a "magic" of sorts. "We started winning so everyone just shut up," the source states. The Indians in fact went on a tear and ending up tied with the Yankees for the division. In the one game playoff Cerrano hit a two-run homer on a curveball in which it is rumored he was about renounce voodoo because he thought the steroids were all he needed to help his bat speed on the breaking balls.
The next year after the Indians failed to make the playoffs, Cerrano converted to Buddhism. His batting once again goes in the tank which many attribute to his placid nature but in truth he was off the juice. The source, which had moved from the clubhouse to management, said it was well-known in the organization that the steroids had been the boost to Cerrano the previous season, "I was no longer in the locker room with the guys, I moved up to...management at the start of the season, but we all knew that Cerrano just was not the same when he was not taking the juice." Once again the Indians struggled to open the season and Cerrano seemed a lost cause because he seemed intent on not taking steroids again. It was then that newly acquired outfielder Isuro Tanaka began to tease Cerrano about what his use had done to his body. Claiming that Pedro had no "marbles" due to the effects of the steroids mixed with his bad play, Tanaka had clearly gotten inside Cerrano's head.
This prompted Pedro to reestablish his relationship with Canseco and begin using steroids again. The results were the same as the previous season as can be seen from this highlight:
Following the season in which the Indians once again were able to make a late season push for the playoffs but unable to win the Series, Cerrano encountered unspecified injuries and retired. He was able to parlay his popularity into a successful career in the insurance industry however. Currently, he works for Allstate Insurance but he declined to comment n the recent allegations.
The source admits that he feels bad for outing Cerrano but says, "The truth has to be told. Sure it was part of the culture for some guys back then, but it did not make it right. Pedro was a powerful player without the juice but mentally he thought it gave him an edge. In the end, I think everyone that was using back in the day needs to come out and say what they did. The game cannot get clean and move on until all the dirty laundry is aired."
