Monday, August 25

Deoderant, check, Toilet paper, check, playbook... check?

This picture has nothing to do with the post, but it's the most incredible sewing project I've seen and I wanted to share.

Some people may hate it, others love it, but virtually everyone has gotten something from Wal-Mart. With football season fast approaching Western Carolina has decided to start shopping for new plays. Fans will be able to submit a play at the local Supercenter and one play will be picked for each home game, including the game against 3-time defending National Champion Appalachian State. I’m not sure where this ranks in terms of admitting your program is a joke, but it has to be just above fielding seven players and wearing flags.

As the Mike Martz of Tecmo Bowl, I feel compelled to help. After scouring my playbook, which makes War & Peace look like a pamphlet, I have settled on one:

The key to this play is giving to ball to number 34. For Western, that will mean freshman linebacker Ricky Schwarz. For this play to work it will be mandatory that they switch into black and silver uniforms. From the snap, Schwarz needs to run up and down (sideline to sideline) and I will guarantee a touchdown, even if the other team knows its coming. The results speak for themselves.

If my play is selected I could win a 32-inch flat screen television. For mere play-calling mortals the following prizes are being offered:

Offensive Plays
• 0-3 yard gain = Western Carolina logoed t-shirt
• 4-10 yard gain = $25 gift card to Wal-Mart
• 11-19 yard gain = $100 gift card to Wal-Mart
• 20+ yard gain = 10 megapixel camera or gift card
• Touchdown = 32" flat screen television or shopping spree

Defensive Plays
• Less than 15 yard gain = Western Carolina logoed hat
• 0-3 yard gain = $25 gift card to Wal-Mart
• Tackle for Loss = $100 gift card to Wal-Mart
• Interception/Turnover = store selected home theater system or gift card
• Defensive TD/Safety = $1,000 shopping spree

Just a note: there is no mention of it needing to be an offensive TD to win the TV.

It will be unfortunate if the Cullowhee faithful are not creative with their choices. There is so much potential out there. If they don’t run a single play where they get an illegal procedure penalty, it will be sorely disappointing. If a player over 300 pounds is not on the receiving end of pass, it’s a failure. So, to encourage the new offensive coordinators for Western, we present a first here on ASD, a top ten list. The Top 10 Trick Plays!

Trick Plays have evolved in sports: from the dastardly fad that was the forward pass to flea flickers, from play-action pass to halfback passes. Reverses have become double reverses and the fumblerooski gets re-invented on a yearly basis. Baseball has the hidden ball and the fake to third, throw to first. Deception in basketball is also nothing new, from the wrong way inbound pass to the inbounds off the ass. It has become a mainstay in the Globetrotters routine and was a major factor in the recent And 1 phenomenon.
The Onion was nice enough to compile a list of seven plays that didn't quite make the cut. Trick plays should be fun, unlike this one. What a pathetic display by a pathetic human being. Now to the fun...

10. "Broken Mirror Play" - The angle of this video detracts, but the runner on 1st base runs at the pitcher while hollering, and the runner on 3rd takes home. The reaction of the pitcher is funny, but the fallout is pretty tame.

9. "Wrong Ball" - Either called Wrong Ball or Wet Ball, this play is the internet phenomenon trick play. Inspired by Youtube clips, coaches around the country have been employing it at all levels.

8. "Water Bucket Play" - A modern nod to one of the most innovative trick plays in football.

7. Reverse/Receiver Pass - Slotting this one at 7 may seem high, but Steve Spurrier has to make an appearance. To call this play, up seven in the fourth quarter, on a 3rd and 2 takes either a mad man or a genius. I may have also been motivated by enjoying Andre Ware's brilliant analysis.

6."McCluster Fluster" - After the rules were changed to stop Fumblerooski's, coaches had to get a little more creative.

5. Super Bowl XL - If it was not for the fact that this was in the Super Bowl it wouldn't even crack the list. Perhaps the most obvious trick play in the history of trick plays. Everyone was looking for a trick play, which had become a Steeler staple that season, everyone except the Seahawks. The first fifteen seconds of the video reminds us all how bad the officiating was that game.

4. Music City Miracle - The chain of events set off by this play may be unsurpassed. Bills coach Wade Phillips made a controversial decision to start Rob Johnson over fan-favorite Doug Flutie. Despite the bandana-sporting Johnson playing well enough to win the game, including a late drive to get the Bills into field goal range, the Miracle effectively ended both Phillips's and Johnson's careers in Bufflao. On the flip side, the Titans would go on to the Super Bowl, before ultimately falling a yard short. This video is worth a view just to listen to the flip flopping of the old Sunday Night Football crew. I had also forgotten that Phil Luckett was the referee of the game.

3. The Barking Dog Play - I was unable to find video of the often imitated, rarely duplicated Barking Dog play. This play employs the same tactic, but without the humiliation of one of your teammates, so it's not as good.

2. "Bee Play" - This one's a biased choice for sure. Cleet recently relayed a story where he was asked to get caught in a rundown to allow a run to score. Upon returning to the bench his teammates acted like he was an idiot, and his coach didn't "pick him up," resulting in emotional trauma that continues to this day.

1. 2007 Fiesta Bowl - Never has there been such trickeration on such a big stage. The combined body of work propels Boise State into the Number 1 spot. That 28 in maroon seems like he's pretty good, whatever happened to him?

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