Head Over To Desonesto This March For SBTB Tourney

I know it's been awhile since we last spoke but this matter is of utter importance. In the coming days and weeks we will embark on ajourney the likes of which have never been seen. Over at my new stop the Desonesto Doctrine we will be conducting a tournament of the people of Saved By the Bell. Each seed and matchup will be broken down in exhaustive detail. Stay tuned. The bracket is below:




Friendly reminder as we emmark on this journey. We are no longer contributing to ASD at this time but feel free to enjoy our poorly edited archives and you can follow Cleet on Twitter HERE and Catfish on Twitter HERE.

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VHS Boxes of Epicness

A friend sent me a link to this glorious list of the 30 Most Amazingly Terrible VHS Boxes of All Time. There are some ones in this list that will have you laughing, others will have you shaking your head. For sports relevance the one below features the late Lyle Alzado was "The Destroyer". Bask in the greatness of the picture, marel at why his jackhammer has a scope on it, puzzle over the tagline and wonder if they put Lyle's head on someone else's body.



30 Most Amazingly Terrible VHS Boxes of All Time [Comics Alliance]

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Happy College Football Day and 9/02/10!

Rest of our college football previews today, inclduing our BCS picks. Hey did you know today is 9/02/10 day? Well if you haven't every hipster you know or work with will remind you. Aside from the numerical date representing one of the paragons of the 90s, today is the start of college football! YEaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. In order to celebrate please enjoy our all-time favorite clip of 90210, and no it is not Donna losing her V-card.



Although Tiffani did well in this clip and on the show by all accounts (I stopped watching by the time she got there) she is not going into the hall of fame as Valerie Malone, she'll be wearing a Saved By The Bell cap for sure.

For a pretty statastic preview that goes more by the numbers than I did here, check out this sweet feature from the Wall Street Journal for all 120 teams.

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Tale of the Tube: Ninja Rap vs. On Our Own

I was going to type that it is time for "another installment" of our version of Tale of the Tape but looking back over our archives, two previous posts of similar ilk is hardly a case for making it appear as a regular feature. Also, this is our first non-sports head-to-head match up in the ASD yet its significance to the progress of the human race cannot be denied. In the late 1980s/early 1990s movie soundtracks were beginning to mirror the shift in the nation toward more of an acceptance to hip hop culture. Some purists would call this the commercialism of rap which lead to the prominence of gangsta rap's emergence in the populous. MC Hammer gave way to Tupac, Dre, and Snoop Dog. I guess it was similar to how grunge moved in and blew glam rock off the map but I digress. Today we have two primetime examples of the movie franchise-pop rap collision. Two movies, two sequels, two ridiculous plot premises, two bygone rap stars, two songs with ridiculous lyrics...one winner. Which one is superior? Read on for the breakdown.

The vitals:

Ninja Rap------------------------song-----------------------------------On Our Own

Vanilla Ice------------------Singer/Rapper----------------Bobby Brown

Cool as Ice-----------------disastrous later project-----------Bobby and Whitney

"Go ninja go ninja go"-------silly chorus phrase---------"All on our own"(sung in falsetto)

TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze------------movie title------------Ghostbusters 2

1991---------------------------Year of release-------------------------1989

$78.656 million---------------Gross revenue--------------------$215.394 million

Radioactive goo gives animals human intelligence----ridiculous plot premise--------Evil man in painting is facilitating the spread of slime that feeds on human emotion

As rapper at a club--------------------Cameo appearance by artist---------------Doorman at Gracie Mansion

Ernie Reyes Jr.------------------kick-ass sidekick-----------------Rick Moranis

David Warner---------------------weird dude with an accent--------------Peter MacNicol

Paige Turco as April O'Neil-----------------hot chick--------------------Sigourney Weaver as Dana Barrett

Turtle Power by Partners in Kryme-------original movie pop song--------Ghostbusters by Ray Parker

TMNT Fruit Snacks--------------------Best food/drink product resultant----------------Hi-C Ecto Cooler(and it's not even close)


Now to the actual songs. First we have Ninja Rap. You really have to appreciate how much of a shill Vanilla Ice was made to be for this role. The plot situation is that the Turtles are battling Shredder's own mutant creations of Tokka and Rhazar, wolf and snapping turtle respectively, and the kerfuffle lands them in a club where Ice is up on stage performing. Instead of freaking the fuck out at the sight of 4 man-sized turtles and two hulking wolf/turtle beasts, Ice breaks out into what we are lead to believe is an impromptu song while the Turtles beat the crap out of the two and various foot clan members. They even dance a little bit for the crowd. Here, in its glory is the video for Ninja Rap. Please observe Ice's little A capella intro complete with double arm thrust. My favorite lyrics have to be the opening "Yo, it's the green machine, gonna rock the town without bein' seen" [interesting sidenote: after the club scene Shredder downs a vial of ooze and becomes Super Shredder, who was played by wrestler Kevin Nash]




Breathtaking. Now we have On our Own from Bobby Brown. The quality is a little Zapruder-esque but the good one had the embedding disabled. The song was a continuance of Brown's success after he left New Edition but before the substance abuse led him to the person he is today. Maybe he was always that guy but reality TV just highlighted it. The song was more of a backdrop to the Ghostbusters getting back in Vigo kicking mode then intertwined into the story but this video is too gold to not show. Things to note in this video being with Bobby dancing with a hoochie on different buildings located in NY. There is also numerous celebrity cameos including Rick Moranis, Christopher Reeve on a bike (too soon?), Donald Trump, and some I could not identify. Favorite lines for me are in the opening rap: "too hot to handle, too cold to hold....try to battle my boys, that's not legal!"




Man, this is a tough call. It is pretty clear that Ghostbuster 2 was a bigger success as a movie and that their use of the song was more traditional. However, I used to run through the streets with my friend with a broomstick pretending I was Donatello and the cheesiness of Ninja Rap is quite strong. My personal edge goes to the Green Machine. Feel free to disagree, I have a feeling which way friend of the blog Walter Peck is leaning, but maybe he feels betrayed about being left out of the sequel?

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A New Doctrine Has Been Issued

Recently our friends at YesButNoButYes decided to close up shop. Hated to see it go as we enjoyed it and hopefully you stopped by to check them out as we linked stories and had them on our "Outside Sports" link list. However, with the funding of an eccentric genius a new site has been born. This site is a wonderful collaboration of writers from all walks of life and I was humbled to be asked to contribute. You can read The Doctrine here at desonesto.com. I highly suggest adding it to your list of reading on the interwebs for both the diversity of topic and perspective.

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Wednesday Links

The video below has been around the internets a few days now but it pretty much encapsulates every reason why I hate the Miami Dolphins and shows their most redeeming quality: their cheerleaders. I dare not make a Gloria Estefan joke though, she is on the board of trustees at the U afterall. I cannot wait for T-Pain to come out with a series of auto tune nursey rhymes to help put kids to bed. All the kids love the robot voice!


(via KSK)

Wednesday is trivia day, well who am I kidding everyday is trivia day with me so can you name what players have the most NBA Championships? [Sporcle]

Yeah I think Big Ben is going to win this case easily but it still doesn't excuse his taste in ladies. [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

The Tigers' Magglio situation has become a dicey numbers game. [Rumors and Rants]

No, I am not happy about this, even as a Miami fan I hate seeing college athletes go down with injuries. [College Game Balls]

Spike TV is offering a chance to see the best of what Pride Fighting had to offer. [HHR]

That sound you just heard was the "Steel Trap" closing on Rick Pitino. [Lousiville Courier-Journal]

I am not going to watch the G.I. Joe movie until it comes out on FX in ten months, but this video about what the characters do on their downtime is fantastic and probably better than the film. [Major League Jerk]

Looks like Michael Vick is taking the low-profile approach to his comeback. Tony Dungy must be proud. [Larry Brown Sports]

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How High Do We Lift Our Heroes?

There has been a multitude of deaths in the public forum recently. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays all passed in the last couple of weeks and then the two big deaths from the past couple of weeks; Steve McNair and Michael Jackson. While billions around the world mourn MJ's death, McNair's has been brought out of the sports community because of the strange circumstances and scandal that surround his murder. Both are being heralded as great men of their craft and shouts have gone out far and wide to ignore whatever transgressions they have done in order to preserve their memories. The element that has been twisting in my mind is to what extent do we deserve to etch in history the wrong these icons did during their time on Earth.

I'll begin with McNair, who mainly reached the audience of this country in the realm of sports. Steve McNair was, if you read the recent headlines, a warrior. Let me take this opportunity to reiterate the notion that it is not properly just to anoint people like McNair or other athletes as heroes or soldiers. It is a term that mostly is not meant in the context of conflict or life and death situations. The soldiers that are fighting a fierce battle in Iraq and Afghanistan are soldiers, warriors, and heroes. First responders who are willing to sacrifice their lives are heroes. Captain Sullenburger who saved 155 lives by guiding a plane into the Hudson is a hero. Yet whom do we idolize, buy jerseys and other merchandise for, and mention more often than the men and women from the previous sentence. I am not reigning judgment down from an ivory tower on the subject, I am merely stating the reality. The real-life heroes deserve praise and recognition but if you are too ignorant to realize that I am not going to try and convince you. The athletes and celebrities that get the fame and attention are held in our culture as heroes and icons and persons of greater worth than you or I, like it or not.

Forgive the digression there but I deemed it to be necessary to the conversation. As I said McNair was considered one of the toughest men in the NFL of his generation. He often took brutal and serious punishment on the field but handled it with resiliency and toughness. In a macho society such as the NFL or really all sports one of the highest honors you can garner is the ability to play with and through pain. Isiah limping his way through game 6 of the NBA Finals, Willis Reed coming out for the final game with the badly injured ankle, Byron Leftwich getting carried by his linemen to the line of scrimmage, etc. McNair embodied this sentiment and was also an impressive player at his position. I myself had great memories of his exploits on the field, the most famous of which was Super Bowl 34. The play McNair made to escape tacklers and get the Titans in position for a possible game-winning play (starting at 1:34 on the video below) is one that I will always recall. If Kevin Dyson had eluded Mike Jones and made it into the endzone and Tennessee had found a way to win, that elusive play would be one of the most celebrated in NFL history.



But fate is not always on your side (right David Tyree?) and McNair never made it back. According to friends, family, and teammates that is not how Steve would be defined. McNair was always good to the press, involved in charity work in the community, and admired by those who claimed to know him best. When his death came about and details began to come forth, it was sobering news. It now appears McNair was having a relationship with a 20 year-old woman in secret was then killed by her in an apparent murder-suicide. While McNair was in the wrong for the affair, it in now way warranted a death sentence. It is tragic that a 36 year-old father is taken away from his family.

This is the point where my mind has a tough time reconciling the sentiments about McNair. Anytime a person dies, it is often better to focus on the good that they have done in their lives rather than the negative issues. When a public figure dies that takes on even more meaning. Jeff Fisher echoed the wishes of many around Nashville, and in the NFL community when he stated that Steve should be remembered for all the good he did for the game and his community. There seems to be a large portion of the population that wants me to overlook the fact that this man was cheating on his wife and allegedly spending a lot of time with this other woman who it appears became his murderer. To what degree should this man be lauded? I am writing this post to ask, because in all honesty I do not know. I am not here to say that McNair was a horrible human being for the affair, but now that he has passed I do not think that I should wipe my mind clean of any wrongdoing.

This tangentially brings me to the subject of men cheating on their spouses/girlfriends. I am far too small of a sample size to represent all males in our culture but what I can say from my experiences is that men are liars and cheaters. They just are, by nature and perhaps women are too but I do not have women telling me all the time about their exploits. I have heard time and time again a man tell me about when he did this and that with a woman while his girlfriend/fiance/wife was oblivious. I would put the percentage at 7 out of every 10 men have cheated or are cheating on their significant others. Now that begs the question if I have ever crossed that line? The answer is no and that does not mean I am here to sit in judgment of the other men, I simply have been able to turn down temptation at the right time in my life... so far. Oh yes I hath been tempted by the fruit but never did taste. Of course, bringing professional athletes into the equation changes everything.

Chris Rock once said "Men are only as faithful as their options." This is very close to the truth. Your average man can only resist so much before his brain justifies an act of infidelity. Athletes are not your average man though and this because nearly everyday they have women throwing themselves at them. You are expecting a man who is given wealth and fame to somehow tame himself into taking the moral high ground? That is a lot to ask anyone, just ask the governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford. So men cheat, they cheat often and sometimes they get caught. Sometimes they buy their wife a multi-million dollar apology ring, sometimes they rat out their teammates but they cheat. This brings me back to Steve McNair, I do not sit and condemn him for cheating, but I cannot take that factor out of it when remembering him. When the circumstances of his death are added in, that will always be there in my mind. No matter what good he has done in his life, he has committed wrong. I will celebrate his play and toughness on the field, but I will not choose to elevate him as someone that is to be wholly admired.

That brings us to Michael Jackson. On the scale of heroes MJ would be considered on a totally different stratosphere than Steve Mcnair. Yet the principal remains the same in my mind. Jackson is being honored as a hero, visionary, legendary figure. While he is all that and more, can I honestly sit here and ignore the things this man has done?


Jackson was the biggest pop star since Elvis. He was thrust into the spotlight as a young child, he was given the status of a deity as a young man so is it any wonder why he became the way he did? It was we the public that helped create the monster. Was there any chance of Jackson leading a normal life? I do not deny as a kid I used to watch the music videos back when MTV played music and would even imitate the moonwalk, single glove, and thriller dance. You think I can't stop my shoulders from moving when I hear "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough"? Michael's music and influence on lives around the world is undeniable.

At his memorial service yesterday Al Sharpton told everyone to forget the troubles that MJ carried with him. I'm sorry Al but that I cannot do. Jackson is compelling not only because of his greatness but because of the oddities he carried with him. One need only look at the photos of him through the years to see his ghastly metamorphosis. Who knows for sure what happened between him and the young children, but I am certain it was not all kosher. This brings me back to my point: Jackson should be and will be celebrated for generations, but what he became has to be included in remembering.

I am sure America would love to take out certain portions of our history but to do that is to rob the present population of the knowledge and perspective it would give them about their past, present, and future. So these heroes should be celebrated and idolized, but their entire life must be made known including the negatives. Heroes in our life are not a bad thing to have, but when we lift heroes too high we will lose a vision on why we admire them. I will continue to pump the Michael Jackson through my ipod, just as I will continue to think of Steve McNair as a great NFL quarterback, but I will not forget the entirety of who they were as men. I learned this lesson early in life, because my boyhood hero was Darryl Strawberry (Ed. note: He's still alive).

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A Cunning College Humor Commentary on Commenting

We here at the ASD do not get a lot of comments. I am going to live in my snug pipe dream and deem to be a result of readers being so blown away by our content their fingers are left frozen in awe. We have had some posts from our good friends, a few loyal readers, some anonymous visitors and some spam from computer advertisers. In reality, commenting on sports blogs or any other site has become a constant /facepalm in regards to the problems with anonymous internet humanity. This song by collegehumor.com is an amusing look at what you can expect when battling the wizards of forum trollers. [via Yesbutnobutyes]

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Coaching Greats In Socks

So what you will about not liking one or more of these fellows, college coaches collecting hefty paychecks for the ad, or the fact that you don't like Lars because he helped shut down Napster, this commercial is pure gold. My favorite is definitely Pitino; look at the way he holds that drumset steady while he slides in, dude's a pro and his playing style is...unique.

Just a quick rundown of what the old dudes in socks brought to the table:
8 National Championships
27 Final Fours
2880 wins

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64 Douches, 1 Title

March Madness not only decides who has what it takes to be crowned on the court, it spans all categories of life's best battles. Holy Taco has given us the 2009 National Douchebag Tournament. 64 douches from Entertainment, Politics, Sports, and Business will battle it out to cut the down the Summer's Eve gift basket. I like the 3 seed Octo-Mom out of the Entertainment, 3 seed Skip Bayless from Sports, 2 seed Ron Blagojevich in Politics, and a darkhorse Jim Cramer 7 in Business.

The 2009 National Douchebag Tournament [Holy Taco via Yesbutnobutyes who also have some other alternative tournaments listed]

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Tiger Woods Apparently Agrees with Mr. Pink

According to a New York Post source, Tiger Woods thinks tipping is for the birds just like his Reservoir Dogs counterpart. A woman who accompanied Woods and his entourage while they were in Las Vegas says that Woods would pay the full bill for their time spent on the town but would not even spare a dime for a tip. This left her being obligated to leave one since she was a local and did not want to ruin any good relations she had.

Being a notorious bad tipper is one thing, but leaving nothing for people that have provided service to you on a multi-hundred and perhaps even thousand dollar bill? That is lame, even if you are the best golfer ever and have donated millions to charity. Shame on you Tiger. I have worked in the service industry as a caterer and a bartender and nothing bothers you more than people who do not tip you when you give them quality service, especially when you know they have the money. I always make sure I tip at least 15 percent even if the service was below average. If the service is horrible due to plain negligence by the employee, then I consider fair game not tipping or give a small one. The standard should be to take care of the people who serve your food and drinks. Quentin Tarantino explained the importance of tipping beautifully through Steve Buscemi in the following scene from Reservoir Dogs(audio NSFW).

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Some Saved by the Bell Running Through My Head Last Night

Last night I was channel surfing I came across the ABC News show What Would You Do?. The show immediately reminded me of the Nickelodeon show of the same name hosted by Mark Summers after his legendary run on Double Dare. It was not as good as DD but the Pie Pod they had was memorable. You can watch a video of the pod at work here, but it is one of those grainy off the TV vids that make it look the Zapruder film.

Back to the ABC show, which uses hidden cameras to see how "regular" people would react to uncomfrotable social situaitons, a segment last night featured two actors on a blind date. The woman goes up to go to the bathroom and the man drugs her wine in plain view of other people at the bar. You can see the story and watch the video of it here. Only one woman completely intervenes on behalf of the actress which is kind of a sad commentary on people, but what struck me was this actress seemed familiar. She reminded me of a girl that appeared in a Saved by the Bell episode in which Zack and Slater fight over her. A clip of the epic throwdown is presented for your viewing pleasure below:



First off, how did Slater get punched like that, he is a wrestler. He should have had Zack tapping the floor within ten seconds. The actress whom they were fighting over played the role of Joanna and her name is Shana Furlow. The actress in the ABC show was referred to as Brigitte which I can only assume is her real name but damn if the two do not look a lot alike. As you can see from her imdb page, Shana has not exactly done a ton of work since guest appearing on SBTB which is surprising since it did wonders for Denise Richards and Leah Remini. I tried to scan the credits on the show but they moved so fast I could not catch the actresses full name. I will investigate the matter further today to see if it was just a coincidence or if this was the most ridiculous memory pull from my brain to date. Yes folks, sadly this is how my mind works.

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Top Ten: Stadium Songs We Don't Want To Hear Ever Again

I like to think of myself as observant when it comes to taking in a sporting event. Whether it is in a full stadium of fans or in a near empty building. One of the aspects that always holds my attention is the music selection. In my opinion the music at a sporting event should complement the attitude of the fans and on some occasions enhance the experience. In no way should this translate to playing the same redundant, overused, and downright annoying songs during the breaks in the action. Submitted for your approval or your disdain, here are the top ten stadium songs which we would rather stab our eardrums with a rusty spork than listen to again while trying to enjoy the game. This is not necessarily a knock on the songs themslves, I am not one to rag on anyone's taste in music, some are songs I had enjoyed, some were not on my playlists so to speak, but all are now melodies I want stricken from stadiums everywhere.

10. "Sweet Caroline"- Neil Diamond

I have no problem with Neil Diamond, and I mean that. The man can croon, and he still is rocking decades later. He even lost $150 million in his divorce and said of his ex-wife, "She's worth every penny." Furthermore I even enjoy this song, but it has turned into one of those where every stadium thinks it is their special little tradition to play it during the game. Look no further than Boston Red Sox fans screaming it out. Down here in North Carolina, people seem to think that they have lordship over the song even though Diamond is clearly speaking of a woman he probably had intimate relations with and not the Tarheel state. I prefer Neil's story behind the song in Will Ferrell's words:



When everyone screams out the "Oh,Oh,Oh" I want to be like Glenn Guglia in the Wedding Singer and say, "Ok, great, we all know the words to the song."

9. "Hell's Bells"- ACDC

I know it seems blasphemous to list a group such as ACDC on this list and it really is not their fault, but this song has become the token "our team is tough and mean and this is the play where we prove it" song. It usually occurs on a football field on third down when the home stadium wants the crowd to get into the game. The problem as been that it has begun being played on every third down at every stadium. Trevor Hoffman came out to the song while he was in San Diego which was cool because that was his thing, but then everyone added the song to the stadium playlist and played it early and often during the games. The final straw may have been when ESPN seemingly bought the entire ACDC collection and began using it in commercials, pre-game line-ups, going to commercial breaks, and anything else they could slap it on. I know ACDC rocks and all that, but I would like to see this song relegated to concerts, VH1 countdowns, and Guitar Hero.




8. "Welcome to the Jungle"- Guns N' Roses

As soon as this song starts everyone knows what it is. I kind of feel bad for the Bengals, and not just in the usual they suck ever since Boomer left way, when I see what has happened to this song inside the sports arena. It used to have relevance and meaning, you see the Bengals stadium was refered to as the jungle because they were named after tigers and such. Like many songs at the bottom of this list, I did not mind it on its own, but now it is the generic go-to song for almost every kick-off, tip-off, team taking the field, or any other beginning of a sporting event. I remember when the video came out they would not show it on daytime television because of the "scary" images it portrayed. Like any song, hearing it over and over again and seeing throngs of people enjoying it dulls the edge. Besides there are far better GNR songs to play at our sporting events and I'm not talking about November Rain.



7. "Imperial March"- Star Wars(John Williams)
This one is mainly featured in college games where bands attempt to blow people away by playing the Darth Vader theme from the movies. Oh no look out, that team has the toughened spirit of a young Hayden Christensen! The song used to represent something kind of cool back in the day, but now it is way overplayed and is sadly the staple of many college bands in football and basketball except for Wisconsin, where I believe their main staple is "Nothing But A Good Time". The other thing that is bothersome about this one is that the bands usually sound like crap when playing the march, which takes away from its overall effect. The Lego band does it much better anyway:



6. "Cotton Eye Joe"- Rednex

There really is no explanation required. The song grates on your ears and you end up wanting to strangle someone. I prefer not to look around when this song comes on because you are almost guaranteed to see a large, overweight, white person jumping around to this tune. I would like the youtube video so you could relive the horror of the song, but even the video is too much to take, even with a girl on a mechanical bull, you can look here(slightly NSFW) if you are into that sort of thing, sicko.

5. "Unbelievable" -EMF

Wow, did you see that play! That is one of the most exciting plays I have ever seen transpire on a competitive field of play, if only there was some way to express my amazement through song. This song needs to die. I do not know if the sound guys at the stadium think they are obliged to play a song like this after some big pay or they think it is clever given the title or what, but maybe there are other songs that can fit the bill. This song was a hit back in the 1990s and had a good run, but once it began to get overplayed ad nauseum it became a hated moment anytime it blared on the sound system. Also annoying is when they play just the soundbite of the singer(if that's called singing) saying the song title. It hit a new all-time low when some ad wizards gave us crumbelievable...



4. "Whoomp There It Is"- Tag Team/ "Who Let the Dogs Out"- Baha Men

These two songs belong together because they are both equal in their surge into pop culture and my desire to burn every copy of them still in existence. You really would think that the songs would go away after their initial popularity, yet you are still likely to hear either one at some point in a sports season. Can these songs just go to their rightful place in the music graveyard with the Macarena? It just goes to show make a mockery of what hip-hop is supposed to be, mix in snazzy catch-phrase, and put it to a roughly pop beat and there you go, a one-hit wonder made in heaven. Still don't think these songs are outdated and make white people look awkward? I give you Mitt Romney..



3. "YMCA"- The Village People

It is somewhat inconceivable that a song like this still finds its way into sports venues around the country year after year. I don't think most people realize what the song is all about. It is not about how great your local YMCA is for harnassing the energy of a youthful generation of males doing various physical activities and good deeds, it's about how great it is to head down to the YMCA and pick up guys. Before you rush to judgment, no this is not a slam on gays or gay culture, it is a slam n hearing this song while I'm trying to enjoy a sporting event. I guess it makes some people feel great to be able to master the complex and secretive dance that is involved with song. In truth the "dance" is not even a dance it is a series of arm gestures. I have no beef with the Village People or their fine catalog of work, but save this song for the weddings, or the 7th-grade dance, or the dancefloor, not for time-killing during a break in the action at a sporting event.



And in case you are wondering, yes I have danced to this song once in my life. It was on a cruise right after I graduated from college. I was involved in a 'Olympics' competition on the boat featuring various random events and our team needed a win in this event for the points, which was coming up with a unique dance to this song. Luckily one of our group members had experience dancing to the tune from when she was younger in a dance class(she was the Indian) and gave us the choreography. Did we win that event? Damn right.

2. "Kernkraft 400"- Zombie Nation

The name of this song may not be recognizable, but as soon as you hear it you know what it is. This song has managed to infiltrate every level of sporting events. It is played all the time, in a variety of situations: when something good happens, during a timeout, when a rally is taking place, before kickoff, etc. The song has quickly dethroned Darude's "Sandstorm" as the techno king of overplayed sports anthems. Still wondering what song I'm speaking of, take a look at some old resident evil clips and listen:



1. "Rock and Roll Part 2"- Gary Glitter

Die! Why won't this song die! If you have been watching/attending sporting events over the past 25 some odd years like I have then you have heard this song more times than you probably care to. Whether it is pumped into the stadium by loudspeaker or a college band is blowing it shrilly from their brass, I cannot stand this song. I'm guessing the reason it caught on so well is the part where everyone can shout out "Hey!" over and over again. I have come to accept there is no getting away from this song and each time I hear it the walls of my skull ache in agony. Even when Gary Glitter ran into "legal" trouble the song could not be quelled in the stadiums. Play the video for the song if you must, if not just to remind you of how annoying it is, then to wonder how people can be amazed that this man has done bad things to children. I can honestly say the mark Gary Glitter is leaving on the world has not made it a better place, for sports fans or for children.

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New Pop Culture Blog Link

I ran into an old college rowing teammate of mine on the internets yesterday and as it turns out he writes for the blog yesbutnobutyes.com. We've added him to the links list and suggest if you want a good chuckle, some random information or just some good old tomfoolery head on over. Echowood is the name of my buddy, he has an interesting article today about how real men love cats, which Xtra Medium should dig.

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An SEC preview Saved By the Bell style from Catfish via Friends of the Program. Anything involving SBTB on this site gets immediate glory from me.

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The Fictional Quarterback Scouting Report

I was preparing to write some NFL Divisional previews, but I got distracted by this instead. This is off of memory so there might be some great fictitious QBs I’m leaving out but the question is always posed: who do you want to build your franchise around? Let’s examine the scouting report on these make-believe signal callers

Johnny Utah


College: Ohio State
Current Status: FBI Agent
Last Game: Football on the beach with Bodhi and the ex-presidents

Positives: The kid is a go-getter, he will risk anything to get the job done. Great arm. Tremendous athlete, he has been surfing to stay in shape so conditioning shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Also has great hair.

Negatives: The knee, oh those knee injuries. Latest blow was falling out of an airplane and pulling the parachute cord seconds before he landed. Amazingly he didn’t die even though he probably would have hit the ground at a tremendous speed, but sadly he did land on the knee. Would have to get him away from FBI, perhaps a trade could be worked out or some kind of buyout. Also, he was dating Lori Petty.

Outlook: The kid is tough; he has got the killer mentality but the control to be on the right side of the law. The knee is a huge concern though and with the damage done it is a huge risk to roll the dice on this guy as the QB of the future. But that arm, dude….whoa.


Paul Blake

College: Texas State University
Current Status: Sophomore
Last Game: Led TSU to a victory over the heavily favored number 1 Texas Colts.

Positives: He’s got experience, lots of experience. Heck, he has even traveled back in time and assumed the bodies of other people (including women) in order to rectify certain situations. He has the physical tools, and his body is not battered despite his age. He has been taking it easy on the farm but still throws the ball through his tire swing every now and then. He was also coached well at TSU by Ed “Straight Arrow” Genero.

Negatives: He is old, at 34 he only has a few more good years in him, unless he is Favre-like. The one season may have been an aberration as well. He also quit on the team halfway through the season, so he may have commitment issues.

Outlook: It may be a quantum leap for Blake to adjust to the NFL game, but with his experience he may be able to do it. It’s never bad to begin the franchise with a crafty veteran at the helm. He also was able to thrive despite having the female place kicker, clearly succeeding where Gary Barnett and Katie Hnida failed. Worse case he mentors the young back-up QB and can even serve as the back-up when the young one takes his place.


Joe Kane

College: ESU
Current Status: Senior
Last Game: Led ESU to a last second victory which made them bowl eligible.

Positives: Seems to be a theme with this list, but he’s got a great arm. He’s also mobile and has all the physical tools. Able to keep his head through a tough season and home situation, the kid is resilient.

Negatives: Well, the kid has a drinking problem; got busted for DUI this past season. Also may have a problem dealing with big time pressure. He threw an INT in the last minute to lose to Michigan and his heisman rival.

Outlook: Coach Sam Winters was the real glue that held that team together through the tough season, but Kane did the work on the field. This guy is definitely an unknown; he will either flourish or end up drunk in a ditch. Also, Kristy Swanson looks better with blonde hair.


Jonathan Moxon

College: Brown University (incoming freshman)
Current Status: High school senior
Last Game: Led the West Canaan Coyotes to the division title.

Positives: Intelligent, physically gifted, and a great leader. If only he could tell Joey how he feels and forget what was between her and Pacey…..sorry got off-track there. Mox is the kind of QB that cares about his teammates and stays cool under pressure because he does not take the game too seriously.

Negatives: He doesn’t want your life. Football seems to be secondary to his life aspirations. He wants to get out of small town Texas, but who doesn’t. May be questionable whether he plays at Brown or not and he only has one season as a starter under his belt.

Outlook: The kid has the guts to win the big game and to stand up to Bud Kilmer. If he can get his head straight at Brown and play football, he could develop into on of the best QBs ever to come out of the Ivy League and join his fellow Brown alums Zak DeOssie, Sean Morey, and Paul Raymond in the NFL. Also, Amy Smart looks better with blonde hair.


Paul Crewe (the real one)


College: FSU
Current Status: Prison
Last Game: Led the “Mean Machine” to victory over the prison guards

Positives: Another guy who has all the tools. He is incredibly tough but mentally unstable. Has learned to become a leader and the importance of the game, resisting another chance to tank a game.

Negatives: The point-shaving incident is hard to overlook. If he did it once, it may happen again. He also currently resides in prison. If he were to be brought out he would most likely be out of football shape.

Outlook: Since the warden is a big football fan, I’m sure he could be appeased and let Crewe out on time. Maybe give his prison guards a try-out or give him a luxury box. We don’t know how Michael Vick will do when he gets out of prison but this might be a good barometer, Paul should quickly get back in shape and the public seems like they might forgive him after the show he put on against the guards. He is a risk but the payoff could be huge.



Shane Falco

College: Ohio State
Current Status: Finished season as replacement player for the Washington Sentinels
Last game: Led the Sentinels to victory over the Dallas Ropers

Positives: Similar build to Johnny Utah, eerily similar. He, of course, has the tools, talent, and hair to lead the team to victory.

Negatives: Dude is a flip-flopper. Seems to shrink away in the big moment. Choked in the Sugar Bowl in college and failed in his first pro gig. He did win the big game against Dallas but how will he react if he ever makes the playoffs or Super Bowl?

Outlook: Doug Flutie, Steve Young were both able to come from non-NFL leagues and flourish (Young more so). So who’s to say Falco can’t. He may be a risk in big game situations though. Also, these Ohio State quarterbacks don’t seem to flourish in the NFL lately (I’m looking at you Herbstreit) unless Troy Smith can do it with the Ravens.


Steamin’ Willie Beamen

College: Houston
Current Status: signed free-agent contract with the San Diego Aztecs
Last Game: Lost in the Pantheon Cup Playoffs

Positives: Many, including film-maker Oliver Stone, liken his game to Jeff Blake. He is mobile and athletic. Has great ability to audible.

Negatives: He might just be a system QB under Coach Tony D’Amato, and his accuracy is suspect at times. He also has complained of shoulder soreness.

Outlook: With only half a season under his belt it is tough to judge his potential. Since he signed a new contract with the Aztecs it will be tough to lure him away to the NFL. I would put him low on the list of target quarterbacks.


Tami Maida


College: (still in high school)
Current Status: Homecoming Queen
Last Game: Lead Minnville High to the state championship

Positives: She’s tough, and she has a winner’s attitude. Great flexibility.

Negatives: Might be a negative psychological effect on the team by adding a female at the QB position. Unknown as to how tough Oregon high school football is, her level of success may be harder to come by in the NFL. It would be a media attention grabber and become a circus so bad Rachel Nichols might end of accosting her as she entered her practice car.

Outlook: She can’t be drafted until she comes of age, if there is a college that would give a shot to start, then she could be evaluated. She is a great story but I just don’t know if I’m mad about her.

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Memo to London: Respond by 2012

Morning Govna! I have a message to whoever is heading the London Olympic committee. I’m sure you were watching the opening ceremonies at the Beijing games a few weeks ago, and while you no doubt were mesmerized like the rest of us, I’m sure you were thinking “Oh dear, how are we going to match this?” Well you most likely cannot. You don’t employ the same kind of method of funding and you style of government actually lets your citizens think for themselves. But considering your country’s empire once covered one-third of the globe, you need to show some source of pride and I think I know how you can make a memorable moment.

First off, if you travel through your history, it will pale in comparison. China has been around longer than you and its history is more artistic. But I’m sure some show of the grand history will be shown. It should be pretty awkward with the US sitting there though when you get to the revolution. But I digress; there is one thing you can do that will erase anything else, any other memory from your opening ceremony and possibly the entire games from a non-athletic standpoint: Bring the Beatles back to play the opening ceremony.

I realize that two of the fabulous four are no longer with us, but that can be amended. The Beatles are the greatest thing you have produced in the modern era, and their reach was global. There has been a backlash against them recently, a new generation is proclaiming that they are not as good as they were hyped to be and they are overrated. That is to be expected, their music is not transcendent, but it was the phenomenon of their move to America, of their status as deities that made them the cultural icons. All the cultural icons in popular music today can trace perhaps even the tiniest connection back to when the Beatles got things rolling.

The original Beatles sadly never got back together and when John Lennon was senselessly murdered in 1980, that chance was lost forever. With the recent loss of George Harrison it makes Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr the only two originals. I don’t care what you have to pay them, what they ask for, or whatever else; get them on stage. For the other two spots, I suggest John’s son Julian, the one who “Hey Jude” was written for. His other son Sean, looks too much like Yoko. Yoko Ono should be kept away at all costs, she has done enough damage already. To replace the great guitar playing of George Harrison, another famous British musician, Eric Clapton should suffice. The four of them, on stage in Olympic Stadium playing just before the torch is lit, would attract global attention and provide the lasting image of the games and one that everyone will be talking about.

Whatever it takes, however you have to get it done. How else are you going to come close to what the Chinese did? You have four years, get rolling old chaps.

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