Sunday, September 7

Bumbling CONTROL Secrets: Can KAOS win?

People will say, Catfish, the credits have just finished showing executive producer Leonard Stern’s name, how can you predict this episode is the one where KAOS finally triumphs?

This document must be burned

KAOS has launched a never before seen four pronged attack. On the east coast, SKIP, an android made in the model of Hymie, continues to wreak havoc, and to this date, CONTROL has not been able to re-program him. Out in the land of Mormons, A known KAOS hotbed (see: 2004 Urban revolution), two separate ploys are playing themselves out. Whittingham, the right hand man in the 2004 assault, has re-organized and has already entered double-agent Mr. Big’s House and emerged stronger than ever. Also in Utah, an agent code-named Bronco, has set into action a devious plan. Two agents operating in such close proximity is destined to lead to the destruction of one of their plans, but if one can succeed, the results could be catastrophic for CONTROL. Mere hours north of the CONTROL base in Los Angeles, the protégé of the mustached Conrad Siegfried, has his own dastardly plan in action. For KAOS to succeed, two of these plans must prove to be unbeatable.

At the end of this year, CONTROL will be hosting an exclusive party, with only ten invitations. Five of these tickets are promised to the very best CONTROL agents, as well as one for Fang, a dog being rewarded for his work on the Atlantic Coast. This leaves only four tickets for the KAOS agents to steal. If KAOS can succeed in acquiring two of the tickets, it may be enough to cause upheaval in CONTROL. Agents from as far south as Texas, Georgia or Louisiana, as far west as California, as far east as Pennsylvania or as far north as Wisconsin will all be up in arms. The party’s significance rests not only in recognition, but also in a tremendous monetary bonus, and as a wise man once said, cash rules everything around me.

SKIP, and his East Carolina Undoing, have scored two tremendous victories, and the path to the party seems to get easier from here, but SKIP must guard against the complacency of his agents. All of his remaining games his team will be favored, and a bulls eye has been firmly placed on his back. His biggest remaining contests are against an uninspiring bunch of Cavaliers from Virginia and in the vortex known as Southern Miss, a place where both KAOS and CONTROL plans have gone to die. With two of the biggest accomplishments of this young season, SKIP should be in the driver’s seat to get an invite, but his efforts were off the radar at the beginning of the year, and could cost him. If SKIP is not successful in this attempt, CONTROL with the help of his father will likely recruit him to work for them.

Of the other three, Willingham and his Utes have the easiest path, with only one CONTROL team, a mediocre Oregon State team, in their way. Their success will probably come down to a final week clash against fellow KAOS agent, Bronco and his BYU bunch. An ideal situation for KAOS would have both Utah and BYU undefeated at this point, almost guaranteeing one of them an invite. BYU, however, has CONTROL upstarts UCLA next weekend (fortunately, at home), and if they lose, they can only play spoiler for Willingham and the Utes. Either way, KAOS allegiances will be with whichever agent remains perfect longer.

The fourth, known KAOS operative Pat Hill, has perhaps the toughest challenge. A home contest against Wisconsin and on the road, at UCLA, both could ruin his bid. Even if Hill escapes, his final battle will be with Boise State, known for their effective use of deadly gadgets. Pat may be the most likely to fall early, but his mustached pedigree must not be overlooked.

KAOS agents unite. This is our chance to bust CONTROL once and for all. Sure, it will exist until at least 2010, but this chance must not slip through our hands. Don’t get caught ogling 99, as opportunity passes. Stay focused. A nation’s hope of escaping the evil grasp of this corrupt system and finally getting a football playoff rests in your ability to succeed. Godspeed.

This document must be burned

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