Friday, September 5

Catfish's Anton Chigurh NFL picks

I do love predictions, but all it takes is a blown ACL, a nagging hamstring, or one sultry succubus and all my plans are foiled. Now that I've sucked all the joy out of preseason picks, here they are.

AFC East (Teams shown in order of projected finish)
NE Patriots - 16-0 last season, they've earned the easiest schedule
NY Jets - Spent the money to be a wildcard team, will their pickups be worth more than the loss of Johnathan Vilma?
Buffalo Bills - Take the under, every week.
Miami Dolphins - 1st round pick on a burner, pickup a QB that can't throw further than 15 yards. Magic.

AFC North
Pittsburgh Steelers - Purely on the strength of Hines Ward being the greatest blocking WR in the history of football. Ever. Period.
Baltimore Ravens - The Joe Flacco / Ray Rice era has begun.
Cleveland Browns - Braylon Edwards, the highest scoring WR in fantasy football, but can the defense stop anyone?
Cincinnati Bengals - Got 85 problems, but Tatum Bell aint one

AFC South
Jacksonville Jaguars - This bandwagon is getting a little too full for my liking
Indianapolis Colts - The window for Peyton to be able to carry a team is closing starting this year.
Houston Texans - Opportunistic D, should see Super Mario's Sack total rise. Need Andre Johnson to play a full year, before I push them for the playoffs.
Tennessee Titans - This week Norm Chow showed what a great offensive coordinator he is, and he couldn't make it work with VY.

AFC West
San Diego Chargers - Merriman could sit and they'd still be here.
Oakland Raiders - JeMarcus has to have a good year, before he Culpeppers on us, right?
Denver Broncos - Mike Shannahan tans so much his skin has become Teflon, it's the only possible reason why he has avoided any speculation about his job security.
Kansas City Chiefs - They play to win the games, but not this year.

NFC East
Dallas Cowboys - If Romo fails this season, it won't be crying TO talking about him.
Philadelphia Eagles - Would love to slot the 1, will anyone complete a pass against them this year? Just don't feel comfortable to bet on DNabb5 and BWest to make it through a whole season, healthy.
New York Giants - They were supposed to lose the Super Bowl, so the loser curse still works.
Washington Redskins - Porn stars don't win Oscars, and Zorn stars don't make playoffs.

NFC North
Minnesota Vikings - Please AP stay on the field.
Green Bay Packers - Talented D leads the way.
Detroit Lions - Having two great WRs, they benefit from Martz leaving.
Chicago Bears - The Neck Beard doesn't make it past six games. Then it's return of the King.

NFC South
Carolina Panthers - A very capable offense, largely overlooked. Will the real Pepp please return to the field?
NO Saints - Still not enough weapons to make Bush an effective RB.
TB Buccaneers - Too many old guys, too many young guys. Wearing the wheels off your draft picks will do this to a team.
Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan should pull a Mariah Carey and get his legs insured.

NFC West
San Francisco 49ers - The footing is not good.
Seattle Seahawks - Questions at RB and WR, and they still get defaulted to this spot.
Arizona Cardinals - Want to pick them to win, but I don't have the marbles.
St. Louis Rams - Steven Jackson is back, but does it really matter?

Round 1
Jacksonville over New York Jets
Indianapolis over San Diego
Philly over Minnesota
New Orleans over 49ers

Round 2
Jacksonville over Pittsburgh
New England over Indianapolis
Carolina over New Orleans
Philadelphia over Dallas

Division Championship
Jacksonville over New England
Carolina over Philadelphia

Super Bowl
Carolina over Jacksonville

1 comment:

Cleet said...

If you're so confident on that Carolina Pick, than I suggest buying a flatscreen TV from Queen City Appliance. You get a full refund when the Panthers win the Super Bowl.