Wednesday, October 29

Everything I Need to Know about Hockey...

…I learned by playing video games. With our recent adoption of the Crossed Shwords, it’s time to revisit all of the knowledge I’ve gleaned from years of my days of playing hockey on the old school Nintendo, Sega, etc.

10. People talk about the importance of the first five and last five minutes of a period, but hands down the first minute of each is most important. If the team can’t score after getting a Power Drink in the locker room, they’re not cut out for the NHL. (Hit the Ice)

9. Brett Hull is an egotist and no one likes him. Only he is allowed to be identified by name, everyone else is only a number. The fans didn’t approve and I suspect that’s why no one showed up, and Al Michaels is clearly mailing it in.

8. In the event of a hat trick (and the other team scoring no goals), the fans will throw caps, but also the net will catch on fire and need to be replaced. If the goal scorer’s disfigured there’s also a chance the net will explode into a “gory mess.” (NHL Open Ice/Mutant League Hockey)

7. If you give the puck to the skinny guy no one can catch him and you can hold the puck for the entire period. This game also taught me about the force field that prevented goalies from leaving the crease box, and that in all fights all players get involved and at the end teammates fight each other. (Ice Hockey)

6. All arenas play Hava Nagila constantly. (NHL 95)

5. Goalies are Bitches. They won’t fight, but they’ll knock down any player that touches them. If you score on them, you can count on a hissy fit. They haven’t figured out how to protect against the wrap around or top shelf, glove-side, but if you score on them a lot they get really mad and start playing harder. (All)

4. Players quit bleeding after 1993. With all of the new safety equipment in hockey, not a single drop has been spilled in 15 years. A tremendous streak to say the least. (NHLPA 93)

3. In the event of a fight, only the loser goes to the penalty box (being drug off by the ref) and the winner is rewarded with the puck. When fighting, never attempt an uppercut. Stick with the quick jabs until you knock out the other guy. (Blades of Steel)

2. Chris Chelios is old, but good. He’s been in every hockey game, ever. Even Mutant League hockey has Smelios. The man has to be in more games than any character, including Mario. (All)

1. Icing and offsides can be turned off. (NHL 95 and others)

Honorable Mention: Whoever has the license plate abcd1234 your lights are still on! Every game for 18 years you’ve forgotten…

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