Thursday, April 2

Top Ten: Worst Goodbyes You Can Get From A Girl You Are Interested In

If one thing is true in the messed up world of contemporary relationships, it's that we are all looking for and interpreting signs. This especially is the case when we first meet someone or are trying to determine if they are even remotely interested in pursuing romantic relations with a beast as detestable as yourself. The critical moment of deciphering the ancient code of attraction often reaches its seminal moment when you and said love interest part ways. The farewell body language you get from another can let you know if they are into an amorous encounter the next time you meet or if you have earned a one-way trip to the friends zone. This is of course assuming that you do not act like a jerkoff in the first place. Today's top ten travels slightly outside the realm of sports and the explanantion of that should in no way indicate that I have fallen victim to one or more of these goodbyes recently....ermm... the list after the break.

10. Ass Out Hug

The thinking may be that if the kiss is the best indicator of romantic interest, then a hug is the next best thing. However, not all hugs are created equal; there is a big difference between a long, tight squeeze and an awkward meeting of arms while keeping the crotch area as far away as possible. You can read this one as "I'm comfortable enough to touch you, but in no way do I want to mix it up downstairs." Of course it may just end up being awkward because the other does not know you very well so this is truly the best worst case scenario as it gets. Of course, Vince Vaughn's explanation maybe says it best:

9. Arm Around the Neck

This is another one that can be somewhat hard to figure out. There is prolonged contact with the arms, but not the enclosure that a hug offers. She is willing to open herself up with one arm, but something tells her throwing that other one up would be too much. A good way to tell if it is going well or not is what her hand is doing; if it is dangling it means she is comfortable but in nor way enamoured. If the hand is clutched firmly it means she trusts you and possibly deems you a figure of security. If she clutches and squeezes and/or rubs the neck or shoulder, it's a very good sign. If there is a reluctance to grip with the fingers, that is not a good sign. Unless she is sauced and unable to move without your help, you would much rather have both her appendages affixed to your person when you bid her adieu.

8. Forearm Squeeze

Here is where the list starts to take a sharp turn downhill. Nobody wants to be faced with these farewells if they are interested in a lass. This particular move is one that is not alltogether horrible because I consider squeezing a good indicator of interest, but you want this to occur during your time together, not at the end. If you get this in the middle of a conversation, that is a huge plus sign, but when the culmination of the time spent together is to touch you on a neutral part of your anatomy, not so much.

7. Playful Bicep Punch

Groan, unless the girl you are seeking has a very playful side when it comes to signs of attraction, this is not what you want in a goodbye. The other factor about this one is how hard she hits you. If she really wails you it is far better than if she gives a soft graze of the humerus. Naturally nobody wants to get Sacramoned but the arm better be left with a welt and a nice tingling sensation or she might have well just said, "See you around pal."

6. Pat on the Back

This is a gesture I associate more with coach, father, or overweight midwestern city councilman wearing suspenders. No obviously the girl is not conveying to you what a wonderful job you did in your encounter, she is telling you in no uncertain terms that you are nice enough to make physical contact, but you better just go on your merry way. There are not too many relationships that start off with a nice slap on the old back.

5. Sideways Peace Sign

Please remember I am doing this from the perspective of a white person. If you get the peace sign thrown out from the side pocket, you immediately feel uncomfortable. She is not wishing you love and flower power or trying to be hip, it is a display to inform you that she has no desire to touch you. The use of this in certain circles may stem from two possibilities: she uses this commonly among her friends or she wanted to send you off as awkwardly as possible. For some reason when I think of this gesture I think of the Chappelle Show "Mad Real World" sketch when the white dude gets thrown out of the loft.

Chappelle's Show
The Mad Real World - End
Charlie Murphy VideosBuy Chappelle's Show DVDsBlack Comedy

4. Fist Pound

I believe it was John McGinley in Any Given Sunday who said, "Come on man, give me a pound, knuckle up." I have never witnessed or experienced this but I'm sure it has happened at somewhere along the way. Nothing says turn the car heading for sexytown around faster than colliding metatarsals. It sends a clear message that she views you as a chum and not an object of desire unless your the president.

3. The High Five

Oh how I loathe this one. If your hopes are up, nothing dashes them more than going in for a meaningful goodbye and getting an open palm high five coming your way. Especially when you examine how females high five. The male high five has evolved into more of a handshake almost, it comes from the side and it usually involves a hand clasp (sometimes epic) and other finger gyrations. The female in contrast is usually a flat palm, elbow and arm fixed at a right angle to the torso. This increases the humiliation for the guy when he is hoping for some indicator that this is going to be a profound relationship and he gets the slap hands, especially if it is Borat style. It is very deflating...not that I know from experience or anything...sigh.

2. The Wave

The slapping of hands is bad, but if that palm is out there waving back and forth it has to be worse. Again this falls into the noncontact category of goodbyes which can always be painful. The girl goodbye wave usually consists of the arm tucked into the side with the palm shaking back and forth. A tiny little wave to make you feel just as small and inadequate.

1. "See Ya"

The words are usually said whatever goodbye you get, but in this case we are talking about preparing for some kind of nice goodbye with some show of physical affection but instead she just heads off in some direction while saying "See ya" without even making eye contact. This can go horribly wrong if you already start to make your move toward a hug or kiss or something. You are usually left in the middle portion of your motion as she walks away and gives you a casual farewell for all your troubles. What? You picked up the check too? Wow dude, major /facepalm on that one.

No comments: